Stations of the Cross

When I told my spiritual director this, she told me I was blessed, I had never thought of it as a spiritual experience and certainly wouldn't have called myself blessed. But I guess I really am very lucky to know my God this way.

Years ago, I realised that we all have a cross to bare in life. Just like Jesus did. It was then that I realised, depression was my cross to bare.
I was in Lourdes, doing the high stations with a group of young people. I chose to do it in silence, tried not to communicate much with everyone around me. I was lost in my own world.
At each station, I was able to relate to the event. An event that we hear about all the time, the stations, the journey Jesus took that we reflect on and remember each year, suddenly became very relevant to me.

Jesus is condemned to death and given his cross- I remember the day I was diagnosed, although it is a blur. But it came as no surprise. We knew too well that all the signs were pointing to depression, just needed a doctor to conclude from my assessment that it was official.
Jesus begins the walk, on which he falls three times - He feels it impossible to get up and carry on. However, somehow He does manage it because He is given the strength of the Lord and knows He must continue. Funnily enough, I fall too, but somehow carry on, much to my surprise.
The women of Jerusalem cry for Jesus- my family and friends, those who care for me had to stand by and watch me suffer. They try to help but can't always. I know it is tough for them.
Simon of Cyrene helps Jesus carry his cross - There are many who help me carry my cross, even though, like Jesus, I carry most of the weight as although I should not carry it alone, it is my cross, not theirs
Veronica wipes the face of Jesus- A small action that means so much, shows she cares. These are so important in the toughest of times.
Jesus meets his mother- My mum has seen me at my weakest. She weeps for me but shows her love. This means more than she knows.
Jesus is stripped of his garments - For me, this reminds me of the time when I have felt like I have lost so much dignity through my illness. The times when I have had no control over my actions and been exposed, my weakness has been exposed.
Jesus' nailing to the cross and his death- Obviously tough to relate these. But what I took from this is that I know that there is a place in heaven for me with the Lord. I also know that through my illness, I am becoming stronger. I also relate to this as the point where Jesus gave himself completely to the Lord. I have had that experience, where I have stopped trying to fight, and have had to put complete trust and faith in the Lord. I have had times like Jesus did in the garden of gethsemane where he asked for the Lord to save him from the cross that awaitened him.

And when I finished the stations I felt incredibly close to the Lord and to my faith.

I count myself lucky (I'm not sure about the word blessed!) to have had this experience.