Tuesday 26 June 2012

Don't be mad at people when they don't understand

A great blog post on Mind's website:


It's hard to help people understand what’s going on inside your head when you have such a limited understanding of it yourself.

I have always tried to come up with analogies or examples to try and paint a picture for people when words fail me. I only have two people who truly understand how I feel when I’m at a low point; but that’s two more people than some people have.

I have always struggled to explain my illness to my friends. I even hate calling it an illness. To me it’s not worthy of any kind of recognition; anything that makes people feel worthless and unable to smile should not be given any more attention that it deserves.

But friends and family (if they’re good people) will want to get a handle on what’s buzzing around that brain of yours. At one point in my late teens, my depression manifested itself in an all-consuming cycle of ‘get ready to go out; psych oneself up so much that the prospect of social interaction makes you shake and feel sick; accept defeat, send the cancellation text and crawl back into the safety of one’s bed’.

This carried on for quite a while, and still occurs now (far less frequently, thankfully). Trying to explain this to my friends was hard, and has not gotten any easier; luckily for me, the ones that were worth hanging on to stuck around and know it’s nothing personal when I fail to show up.

I did have to contend with a bit of teasing and several arguments with friends who tried to prescribe help. ‘Amateur shrinks, who do they think they are?’ I angrily mused as I once again batted away suggestions of counselling and doctors’ appointments.

One of the hardest things about depression is that it removes most if not all motivation, and it is all too easy to get stuck in a cycle which becomes decreasingly difficult to get out of. I have lashed out at friends and family more times than I can accurately recall; it’s only on reading a fellow blogger’s story about writing as a means of coping with depression that I felt I should say something.

Don’t be mad at people when they don’t understand. The fact that they have tried to understand is commendable in itself. And chances are they don’t see you as ‘that person with depression’. They see you as you; depression and all. And it’s the ‘all’ that you have to try and focus on. Because depression doesn’t, and shouldn’t, define you.

Sunday 24 June 2012

In case nobody told you


This very closely linked to my previous post 'You are God's Work of Art' where I talked about the HCPT theme this year. Love it.

You are not a statistic,
You are not stupid,
You are not “just like your sister”
You are not average,
You are not ugly,
You are not worthless,
You are not perfect,
You are not a subject grade,
You are not a failure,
You are not like all the others,
You are not here to prove yourself,
You are not “the best”
You are not a loser,
You are not “bottom set”
You are not a problem to be solved,
You are not a comparison,
You are not “trouble”
You are not uninvited,
You are not on your own….
In case no-one told you, you are God’s work of art, wonderfully made, knit together by the
almighty, anticipated since the beginning of time, worth more than all the sparrows, every
detail of you is known and loved, you are worth dying for, you are called to a unique and
specific purpose, and you will inherit an eternal destiny.  You are not rubbish, and you
never were, because God does not make rubbish. It is time…. to be fearfully and
wonderfully you! You are…. Fantastic!

David Wells
March 24th
Flame Event 2012

2012 So far....

So what was meant to be the most amazing year yet with so many amazing events to look forward to, has so far been far from amazing.
However, with the horrible time I have been having, the few events that I've been to have been glimmers of light in what has otherwise been a dark dark light. Unfortunately, depression has struck badly and it's been a real struggle for the last 4 months. It also led to me having to have a break from work up to the end of my contract. All in all things have not been easy. Thank God for the following:
- Steps @ 02


- Westlife Farewell Tour in Cardiff:

- Westlife's last ever show, Croke Park, Dublin


- Lourdes with HCPT:

And all the support from my amazing family and friends:

I''m now working towards getting better. I have another Lourdes trip coming up, I'm still able to take part in the international congress this summer, my 21st celebrations, my mum and sisters bdays and family celebrations and fingers crossed a holiday and possibly a new job, my own place and a new start! Take each day as it comes!

Friday 1 June 2012

You are God's work of art

HCPT's Easter week theme this year was 'We are God's Work of Art' and for the trust mass they had a gorgeous hymn written especially, called 'You are God's Work of Art'. The chorus is beautiful enough but the verses were also stunning. Unfortunately I can't find the lyrics for those anywhere. But the chorus went like this:

You are God's work of art
You are God's work of art
Created in the image of His Son, Jesus Christ

He has called you by name
He has made you his own
To spread the good news message now to all those who live

If I abide in stillness, my troubled yearnings cease

A young person who was taken to Lourdes with a HCPT group wrote the following prayer. He is 20 years old.

Whenever I am troubled
Or lost in deep despair
I bundle all my troubles up
And go to bed in prayer.
I tell him I am heartsick
And lost and lonely too
That my heart is deeply burdened
And I don't know what to do.
I know he stilled the waters
And calmed the angry sea
And I humbly ask if in his love
He'll do the same for me.
And then I just keep quiet
And think only thoughts of peace
And if I abide in stillness
My troubled yearnings cease.

A simple prayer to say each day;

Lord,
Open my ears that I may hear,
Open my eyes that I may see,
Open my heart to welcome your transforming 
presence in all that I do and say today.

Archdiocese of Southwark

Prayer for Healing

Jesus, through the power of the Holy Spirit,
go back into my memory as I sleep.
Every hurt that has ever been done to me, heal that hurt.
Every hurt that I have ever caused to another, heal that hurt.
All the relationships that have been damaged in my whole life, heal those relationships.
But Lord, if there is anything that I need to do,
if I need to go o a person because they are still suffering from my hand,
bring to my awareness that person.
I choose to forgive, and I ask to be forgiven.
Remove whatever bitterness may be in my heart, Lord,
and fill the empty spaces with your love.
Amen.

The Miracle Prayer

Lord Jesus,

I come before you, just as I am
I am sorry for my sins, I repent of my sins.
Please forgive me. In your name, I forgive all others for what they have done against me.
I renounce Satan, the evil spirits and all their works.
I give you my entire self.
Lord Jesus, now and forever, I invite you into my life Jesus.
I accept you as my Lord, God and Savior.
Heal me, change me, strengthen me in body, soul and spirit.

Come Lord Jesus, cover me with your precious blood and fill me your Holy Spirit
I Love you Lord Jesus
I Praise You Jesus
I Thank You Jesus
I shall follow you every day of my life.
Amen.

Mary, my Mother, Queen of Peace, all the Angels and Saints, please help me.
Amen.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger

Yes it's about a break up but the principle of the song is a strong one in my life


You know the bed feels warmer
Sleeping here alone
You know I dream in color
And do the things I want

You think you got the best of me
Think you've had the last laugh
Bet you think that everything good is gone
Think you left me broken down
Think that I'd come running back
Baby you don't know me, cause you're dead wrong

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone
What doesn't kill you makes a fighter
Footsteps even lighter
Doesn't mean I'm over cause you're gone

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger
Just me, myself and I
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone

You heard that I was starting over with someone new
They told you I was moving on, over you

You didn't think that I'd come back
I'd come back swinging
You try to break me, but you see

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone
What doesn't kill you makes a fighter
Footsteps even lighter
Doesn't mean I'm over cause you're gone

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger
Just me, myself and I
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone

Thanks to you I got a new thing started
Thanks to you I'm not the broken-hearted
Thanks to you I'm finally thinking about me
You know in the end the day you left was just my beginning
In the end...

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone
What doesn't kill you makes a fighter
Footsteps even lighter
Doesn't mean I'm over cause you're gone

Stand Up for Love

Jessie J writes the best lyrics I've heard in a long time


If you surround yourself with negative people
You'll never feel settled in or become equal, no
They'll suppress you of your spirit and rinse you dry of smiles
So reach deep and release your inner child. Yeah, Yeah!

So Stand Up! For the Love, Love, Love
So Stand Up! For the Love, Love, Love
So Stand Up! Yeah

'Cause you're as old as you feel you are
And if you don't reach for the moon you can't fall on the stars
So I live my life like every day is the last, last, last
'Cause you're as old as you feel you are
And if you don't reach for the moon you can't fall on the stars
So I live my life like every day is the last, last, last

Listen!
If you let a frown become your normality, yes
You don't set an example for the youth of our humanity
If you spend every day wishing for the next to come
Aged and lifeless is what (Yes!) you'll become. Yeah, Yeah!

So Stand Up! For the Love, Love, Love
So Stand Up! For the Love, Love, Love
So Stand Up! Yeah

'Cause you're as old as you feel you are
And if you don't reach for the moon you can't fall on the stars
So I live my life like every day is the last, last, last
'Cause you're as old as you feel you are
And if you don't reach for the moon you can't fall on the stars
So I live my life like every day is the last, last, last
I live my life like every day is the last

So in all the bad and the good will soon come
Don't think second best
Be number one
Spread some love
Don't give to receive
Strive to be happy
And live to believe
So in all the bad and the good will soon come
Don't think second best
Be number one
Spread some love
Don't give to receive
Strive to be happy
And live to believe. Yeah Yeah Yeah!

So Stand Up! For the Love, Love, Love
So Stand Up! For the Love, Love, Love
So Stand Up! For the Love, Love, Love
So Stand Up! For the Love, Love, Love
So let me see you. Yeah Yeah!

'Cause you're as old as you feel you are
And if you don't reach for the moon you can't fall on the stars
So I live my life like every day is the last, last, last
'Cause you're as old as you feel you are
And if you don't reach for the moon you can't fall on the stars
So I live my life like every day is the last, last, last

So Stand Up! For the lololololololololololove Yeah

We're the colours of the rainbow

LOVING Jessie J at the moment and I love this song. So feel good.

He grew up in the city 
Had a lot of money 
Sponging off his daddy all the time 
He lives in a bubble 
Never had to struggle 
He's far from the benefit line 
But he feels blue sometimes 
And he blood bleeds red like mine 
The grass is greener on the other side 
What I'm saying is we're all alike 

We're the colours of the rainbow (yeah, yeah) 
Let's share our pot of gold 
We're the colours of the rainbow (yeah, yeah) 
Everybody's on the yellow brick road 

There's enough for you, you, you 
There's enough for me, me, me 
We're the colours of the rainbow (yeah, yeah) 
We're the colours of the rainbow (yeah, yeah) 
Rainbow [x7]

There's mummy in the ghetto 
Gotta work it double 
Just to pay the bills and get by 
But more power to ya 
You're doing what you do-a 
Everybody's steady on the grime 

But you feel blue sometimes 
And you're blood bleeds red like mine 
The grass is greener on the other side 
What I'm saying is we're all alike 

We're the colours of the rainbow (yeah, yeah) 
Lets share our pot of gold 
We're the colours of the rainbow (yeah, yeah) 
Everybody's on the yellow brick road 

There's enough for you, you, you 
There's enough for me, me, me 
We're the colours of the rainbow (yeah, yeah) 
We're the colours of the rainbow (yeah, yeah) 

Hello, hello 
Why does everybody get so mad? 
Yellow, yellow 
It's the colour for the battle in my head 
I have a beat in my life like love in my heart 
The sun up in the sky as we rock with the stars 
We just cant keep fighting anymore 
No, no, no 

We're the colours of the rainbow (yeah, yeah) 
Lets share our pot of gold 
We're the colours of the rainbow (yeah, yeah) 
Everybody's on the yellow brick road 

There's enough for you, you, you 
There's enough for me, me, me 
We're the colours of the rainbow (yeah, yeah) 
We're the colours of the rainbow (yeah, yeah) 
We're the colours of the rainbow

All is fair in love and war, knock me down and I'lll get back up wanting more

We may not have all the answers
I know that we can change some of the things that are beyond our control
And the vision of us may be blurry
But use your heart to see
Just follow the beat, the rhythm will lead you right back to me

Sometimes it's a game of give and take
It's easy to break
But hold on and wait
Have a little faith

I will go down to the last round
I'll be your strength to find you when you get lost in the crowd
So I'll stand up tall, if by chance I fall
Then I'll go down as a casualty of love

The battle of us could be simple
Escape without being hurt
Cause love is our shield, keeps us concealed
From what could get even worse

So baby let me be your soldier
Don't be overtaken by pride
Just close your eyes, take my hand
Promise to keep us alive

Sometimes it's a game of give and take
It's easy to break
But hold on and wait
Have a little faith

I will go down to the last round
I'll be your strength to find you when you get lost in the crowd
So I'll stand up tall, if by chance I fall
Then I'll go down as a casualty of love

All is fair
In love and war
Knock me down
And I'll get back up wanting more
Through the fire and rain
It makes me numb from the pain
That's the price, that's the price, I'll pay

I will go down to the last round
I'll be your strength to find you when you get lost in the crowd
So I'll stand up tall, Baby if I fall
Then I'll go down as a casualty of love

Big White Room

This is a song by Jessie J. I have no idea what it is actually about but it speaks so strongly to me as it explains a little about how depression can feel some time




Sitting in a big white room alone
Tilt my head back, feel the tears fall down
Close my eyes to see in the dark
I feel young, broken, so so scared (mmmmmm)
I don't wanna be here anymore
I wanna be somewhere else
Normal and free, like I used to be (oh)
But I have to stay in this big white room
With little old me

I'm going crazy
I'm losing my mind
I'm going crazy
In this big white room of mine
I'm going crazy
I'm losing my mind
I'm going crazy
In this big white room of mine

Sitting in a big white room alone
Close the door
Don't want the pain to come in (no no no no no no)
I clench my fist
And try to stay strong
I cry, feel sick
My heart is beating, b-b-beating, beating out of control
Can I run, run faster than you
I wanna feel my body again
Feel the wind in my hair, yeah

But I have to stay in this big white room
'Cause no one else cares (no no no no no no no oh)

I'm going crazy
I'm losing my mind
I'm going crazy
In this big white room of mine
I'm going crazy
I'm losing my mind
I'm going crazy
In this big white room of mine

Everybody's looking at me
Everybody's staring at me
What do I do now
Smile, yeah, yeah
Everybody's looking at me
Everybody's staring at me
What do I do now
Smile, yeah, yeah

Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh yeah oh

I'm going crazy
I'm losing my mind
I'm going crazy
In this big white room of mine
I'm going crazy
I'm losing my mind
I'm going crazy
In this big white room of mine

Bread of life, Truth Eternal

Bread of Life, Truth Eternal, Broken now to set us free,
The risen Christ, his saving power,
is here in bread and wine for me.

Lord, I know I am not worthy to receive you.
You speak the words and I am healed.
Here at your table, love’s mystery,
One bread, one cup, one family,

Lord, by your cross you reconciled us to the Father.
We have only to believe.
Your sacrifice, our victory
Now by your blood we are redeemed.

Lord, you gave your people Manna in the desert.
Still you fulfil our every need.
Lord, when we hunger, Lord, when we thirst,
We come to you and we receive.