Wednesday 12 September 2012

Another story must begin

Last week I think I faced my biggest fear... it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do and I came out the other side pretty much in one piece.
It was the closing ceremony of YCWs congress. The last 2 weeks, knowing it was going on, seeing it all over facebook and twitter, constantly in my face, has been agonising. I so desperately wish I had been there.

Running parallel to this, I made a decision to resign as National Secretary of YCW. For the last three years, YCW has been my life. I have been 'Anna from YCW'. And over the past 6 years YCW has given me so much and fed me so much and I have so much to be thankful for. In return I gave the movement my heart and soul for the last three years. And I no longer have anything to give. Making the decision was so incredibly difficult, but the sense of relief when I had made it reassured me it was the right thing to do. I need to have a life without YCW. I don't remember what it was like before YCW became my life. I don't remember who I was before I became 'Anna from YCW'. Resigning is the first step towards a fresh start, one I desperately need.
I do not for one minute blame YCW for anything to do with my illness. Quite the opposite. I have so much to thank them for. And I think ti will always be in my heart. And I am not bitter. I just know I need to walk away.

So at the ceremony I wasn't just coming face to face with a reality that has caused me so much pain - the congress I coordinated for a year going ahead without me there, but also with the need for closure and to say goodbye to a chapter in my life.

It was so incredibly tough, I cannot lie. I was anxious, quiet and tearful. But I'm glad I went. The most amazing thing happened. Two people who I respect greatly and mean a lot to me but not in my immediate work, just associated, and who I see as good friends, both felt it important for me to see the congress as a fruit of my labour. I found that hard. I don't think anyone else did. I left at the crucial stages, how could it be my labour? But indeed they assured me that I worked for a year towards this congress, which is true.
They also both understood how hard it was for me to have been there, something I really didn't think anyone would understand, but they did and not only did they understand but were able to say it to me. And both felt so passionate about it that they were brought to tears. I must have made an impact in their eyes. And their small gesture of reassurance gave me even more courage to walk away with my head held high. And my heart stone that I have carried with me every single day since the month I was commissioned to work full time  for YCW was left behind at the church, because that journey is over. It is time for me to face a new path.

Thursday 16 August 2012

Worst fears recognised

So it is 16th August 2012.
6 months ago, if you had asked me where I would be my answer would have been in London working my socks off with the biggest event of my life starting in just over a weeks time- YCW's International Congress. After two years of preparation and work we would be in the final build up to what is going to be a historic occasion for the movement I have given my life to and love so dearly and one of the greatest achievements in my life.
But today I sit here, it is 6am and I am at home in Cardiff. 7 weeks ago I left YCW to move back to Cardiff for good as I felt I was no longer well enough to stay in London. Depression has hit me in it's fullest sense. I always said that seeing as I could not consider suicide due to a promise I made 7 years ago, having to give up my job would be the equivalent. Leaving my job, a job that became my life for two years, a job that I love so much, would mean loosing everything. It feels like my life has fallen to pieces and I can't explain the pain it causes.
Did I give up? No. I gave up on myself 2 months ago. I realised I was not going to get better whilst living and working in London. However, I made a concious decision to stay and complete the work I had started, regardless on the devastating effects this may have on my health. I gave up on myself, on my life, on my value and my own well-being. And not just because I didn't want to let others down- although this was a large part of it. But I did this because I did not know what I would do without my work. I knew going back home would not make me magically better, so could not see what I was gaining by leaving. Then I saw a psychiatrist who assessed me and after knowing me an hour felt the only way I could get better was if I left London and my job. Yes I already knew that, but for a doctor, a professional, to see me as a hopeless case for as long as I remained in London, made me think. All he could offer was to increase my medication. A medication we didn't even believe to be working. And so where did that leave me? And I knew in my heart what I needed to do for myself. But I could not shake a feeling of letting my colleagues down when I was needed most. But my line manager asked to meet me. My colleagues were worried about me. And they did not feel comfortable with me staying in the state I was in. We could also not see a way of making life in London and work any easier for me, there was no more anyone could do. And so it was the fairest decision for all involved that I leave.
Was it a relief? Yes. But overpowering the relief was a devastation that I have never known. A pain that was so deep. It broke my heart.
And so here I am. 7 weeks later, sat in Cardiff, having been awake all night. A week ago I dramatically deteriorated and after seeing a doctor on an emergency appointment, was facing a hospital admission. How did it come to this? Ever since I have been in and out of doctor appointments. The one positive- a crisis sprung the docs into action! I am on countless medication. I am not to be alone with friends and family being amazing to care for me. My parents are away, I miss them so much.
So I won't be travelling to the congress next week. I am still National Secretary of YCW and I really hoped that going home would strengthen me enough to feel able to play some sort of active role in the congress. However, any visit to work or London has been incredibly painful. And now I'm completely unable to take part in what was gonna be one of the greatest events of my life. I can only hope I can manage the closing ceremony so I can at least say I saw some of it. But right now I have to take each day as it comes.
I don't know how long it will take before I am strong enough to go back into the real world. I don't know who I am anymore. Who is Anna Morris in the youth ministry world without YCW? Who is Anna Morris without the strength to get out of bed in the morning? Who is Anna Morris who is even unable to write a simple email or make a quick phone call?
I was lucky enough to go to Lourdes a few weeks ago, in the midst of change in my life. I went praying to God that the pain may end soon, that things get better fast. I was able to leave with more acceptance of the situation. Does it make it less painful? I'm not sure.

Yes a terribly honest and depressing post. And unless you know what it feels like to lie in bed in the morning and have something inside you physically making you unable to leave bed whilst telling you how worthless, pathetic and stupid you are, then understandably you may not understand what I am going through. But this post should hopefully express the intense pain that I feel inside about what has happened.

And now I take one day at a time.It is the best way. The only way. It will get easier, of course it will. And I'm lucky to have good healthcare. If you are reading this I can only ask for your prayers.

Tuesday 26 June 2012

Don't be mad at people when they don't understand

A great blog post on Mind's website:


It's hard to help people understand what’s going on inside your head when you have such a limited understanding of it yourself.

I have always tried to come up with analogies or examples to try and paint a picture for people when words fail me. I only have two people who truly understand how I feel when I’m at a low point; but that’s two more people than some people have.

I have always struggled to explain my illness to my friends. I even hate calling it an illness. To me it’s not worthy of any kind of recognition; anything that makes people feel worthless and unable to smile should not be given any more attention that it deserves.

But friends and family (if they’re good people) will want to get a handle on what’s buzzing around that brain of yours. At one point in my late teens, my depression manifested itself in an all-consuming cycle of ‘get ready to go out; psych oneself up so much that the prospect of social interaction makes you shake and feel sick; accept defeat, send the cancellation text and crawl back into the safety of one’s bed’.

This carried on for quite a while, and still occurs now (far less frequently, thankfully). Trying to explain this to my friends was hard, and has not gotten any easier; luckily for me, the ones that were worth hanging on to stuck around and know it’s nothing personal when I fail to show up.

I did have to contend with a bit of teasing and several arguments with friends who tried to prescribe help. ‘Amateur shrinks, who do they think they are?’ I angrily mused as I once again batted away suggestions of counselling and doctors’ appointments.

One of the hardest things about depression is that it removes most if not all motivation, and it is all too easy to get stuck in a cycle which becomes decreasingly difficult to get out of. I have lashed out at friends and family more times than I can accurately recall; it’s only on reading a fellow blogger’s story about writing as a means of coping with depression that I felt I should say something.

Don’t be mad at people when they don’t understand. The fact that they have tried to understand is commendable in itself. And chances are they don’t see you as ‘that person with depression’. They see you as you; depression and all. And it’s the ‘all’ that you have to try and focus on. Because depression doesn’t, and shouldn’t, define you.

Sunday 24 June 2012

In case nobody told you


This very closely linked to my previous post 'You are God's Work of Art' where I talked about the HCPT theme this year. Love it.

You are not a statistic,
You are not stupid,
You are not “just like your sister”
You are not average,
You are not ugly,
You are not worthless,
You are not perfect,
You are not a subject grade,
You are not a failure,
You are not like all the others,
You are not here to prove yourself,
You are not “the best”
You are not a loser,
You are not “bottom set”
You are not a problem to be solved,
You are not a comparison,
You are not “trouble”
You are not uninvited,
You are not on your own….
In case no-one told you, you are God’s work of art, wonderfully made, knit together by the
almighty, anticipated since the beginning of time, worth more than all the sparrows, every
detail of you is known and loved, you are worth dying for, you are called to a unique and
specific purpose, and you will inherit an eternal destiny.  You are not rubbish, and you
never were, because God does not make rubbish. It is time…. to be fearfully and
wonderfully you! You are…. Fantastic!

David Wells
March 24th
Flame Event 2012

2012 So far....

So what was meant to be the most amazing year yet with so many amazing events to look forward to, has so far been far from amazing.
However, with the horrible time I have been having, the few events that I've been to have been glimmers of light in what has otherwise been a dark dark light. Unfortunately, depression has struck badly and it's been a real struggle for the last 4 months. It also led to me having to have a break from work up to the end of my contract. All in all things have not been easy. Thank God for the following:
- Steps @ 02


- Westlife Farewell Tour in Cardiff:

- Westlife's last ever show, Croke Park, Dublin


- Lourdes with HCPT:

And all the support from my amazing family and friends:

I''m now working towards getting better. I have another Lourdes trip coming up, I'm still able to take part in the international congress this summer, my 21st celebrations, my mum and sisters bdays and family celebrations and fingers crossed a holiday and possibly a new job, my own place and a new start! Take each day as it comes!

Friday 1 June 2012

You are God's work of art

HCPT's Easter week theme this year was 'We are God's Work of Art' and for the trust mass they had a gorgeous hymn written especially, called 'You are God's Work of Art'. The chorus is beautiful enough but the verses were also stunning. Unfortunately I can't find the lyrics for those anywhere. But the chorus went like this:

You are God's work of art
You are God's work of art
Created in the image of His Son, Jesus Christ

He has called you by name
He has made you his own
To spread the good news message now to all those who live

If I abide in stillness, my troubled yearnings cease

A young person who was taken to Lourdes with a HCPT group wrote the following prayer. He is 20 years old.

Whenever I am troubled
Or lost in deep despair
I bundle all my troubles up
And go to bed in prayer.
I tell him I am heartsick
And lost and lonely too
That my heart is deeply burdened
And I don't know what to do.
I know he stilled the waters
And calmed the angry sea
And I humbly ask if in his love
He'll do the same for me.
And then I just keep quiet
And think only thoughts of peace
And if I abide in stillness
My troubled yearnings cease.

A simple prayer to say each day;

Lord,
Open my ears that I may hear,
Open my eyes that I may see,
Open my heart to welcome your transforming 
presence in all that I do and say today.

Archdiocese of Southwark

Prayer for Healing

Jesus, through the power of the Holy Spirit,
go back into my memory as I sleep.
Every hurt that has ever been done to me, heal that hurt.
Every hurt that I have ever caused to another, heal that hurt.
All the relationships that have been damaged in my whole life, heal those relationships.
But Lord, if there is anything that I need to do,
if I need to go o a person because they are still suffering from my hand,
bring to my awareness that person.
I choose to forgive, and I ask to be forgiven.
Remove whatever bitterness may be in my heart, Lord,
and fill the empty spaces with your love.
Amen.

The Miracle Prayer

Lord Jesus,

I come before you, just as I am
I am sorry for my sins, I repent of my sins.
Please forgive me. In your name, I forgive all others for what they have done against me.
I renounce Satan, the evil spirits and all their works.
I give you my entire self.
Lord Jesus, now and forever, I invite you into my life Jesus.
I accept you as my Lord, God and Savior.
Heal me, change me, strengthen me in body, soul and spirit.

Come Lord Jesus, cover me with your precious blood and fill me your Holy Spirit
I Love you Lord Jesus
I Praise You Jesus
I Thank You Jesus
I shall follow you every day of my life.
Amen.

Mary, my Mother, Queen of Peace, all the Angels and Saints, please help me.
Amen.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger

Yes it's about a break up but the principle of the song is a strong one in my life


You know the bed feels warmer
Sleeping here alone
You know I dream in color
And do the things I want

You think you got the best of me
Think you've had the last laugh
Bet you think that everything good is gone
Think you left me broken down
Think that I'd come running back
Baby you don't know me, cause you're dead wrong

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone
What doesn't kill you makes a fighter
Footsteps even lighter
Doesn't mean I'm over cause you're gone

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger
Just me, myself and I
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone

You heard that I was starting over with someone new
They told you I was moving on, over you

You didn't think that I'd come back
I'd come back swinging
You try to break me, but you see

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone
What doesn't kill you makes a fighter
Footsteps even lighter
Doesn't mean I'm over cause you're gone

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger
Just me, myself and I
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone

Thanks to you I got a new thing started
Thanks to you I'm not the broken-hearted
Thanks to you I'm finally thinking about me
You know in the end the day you left was just my beginning
In the end...

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone
What doesn't kill you makes a fighter
Footsteps even lighter
Doesn't mean I'm over cause you're gone

Stand Up for Love

Jessie J writes the best lyrics I've heard in a long time


If you surround yourself with negative people
You'll never feel settled in or become equal, no
They'll suppress you of your spirit and rinse you dry of smiles
So reach deep and release your inner child. Yeah, Yeah!

So Stand Up! For the Love, Love, Love
So Stand Up! For the Love, Love, Love
So Stand Up! Yeah

'Cause you're as old as you feel you are
And if you don't reach for the moon you can't fall on the stars
So I live my life like every day is the last, last, last
'Cause you're as old as you feel you are
And if you don't reach for the moon you can't fall on the stars
So I live my life like every day is the last, last, last

Listen!
If you let a frown become your normality, yes
You don't set an example for the youth of our humanity
If you spend every day wishing for the next to come
Aged and lifeless is what (Yes!) you'll become. Yeah, Yeah!

So Stand Up! For the Love, Love, Love
So Stand Up! For the Love, Love, Love
So Stand Up! Yeah

'Cause you're as old as you feel you are
And if you don't reach for the moon you can't fall on the stars
So I live my life like every day is the last, last, last
'Cause you're as old as you feel you are
And if you don't reach for the moon you can't fall on the stars
So I live my life like every day is the last, last, last
I live my life like every day is the last

So in all the bad and the good will soon come
Don't think second best
Be number one
Spread some love
Don't give to receive
Strive to be happy
And live to believe
So in all the bad and the good will soon come
Don't think second best
Be number one
Spread some love
Don't give to receive
Strive to be happy
And live to believe. Yeah Yeah Yeah!

So Stand Up! For the Love, Love, Love
So Stand Up! For the Love, Love, Love
So Stand Up! For the Love, Love, Love
So Stand Up! For the Love, Love, Love
So let me see you. Yeah Yeah!

'Cause you're as old as you feel you are
And if you don't reach for the moon you can't fall on the stars
So I live my life like every day is the last, last, last
'Cause you're as old as you feel you are
And if you don't reach for the moon you can't fall on the stars
So I live my life like every day is the last, last, last

So Stand Up! For the lololololololololololove Yeah

We're the colours of the rainbow

LOVING Jessie J at the moment and I love this song. So feel good.

He grew up in the city 
Had a lot of money 
Sponging off his daddy all the time 
He lives in a bubble 
Never had to struggle 
He's far from the benefit line 
But he feels blue sometimes 
And he blood bleeds red like mine 
The grass is greener on the other side 
What I'm saying is we're all alike 

We're the colours of the rainbow (yeah, yeah) 
Let's share our pot of gold 
We're the colours of the rainbow (yeah, yeah) 
Everybody's on the yellow brick road 

There's enough for you, you, you 
There's enough for me, me, me 
We're the colours of the rainbow (yeah, yeah) 
We're the colours of the rainbow (yeah, yeah) 
Rainbow [x7]

There's mummy in the ghetto 
Gotta work it double 
Just to pay the bills and get by 
But more power to ya 
You're doing what you do-a 
Everybody's steady on the grime 

But you feel blue sometimes 
And you're blood bleeds red like mine 
The grass is greener on the other side 
What I'm saying is we're all alike 

We're the colours of the rainbow (yeah, yeah) 
Lets share our pot of gold 
We're the colours of the rainbow (yeah, yeah) 
Everybody's on the yellow brick road 

There's enough for you, you, you 
There's enough for me, me, me 
We're the colours of the rainbow (yeah, yeah) 
We're the colours of the rainbow (yeah, yeah) 

Hello, hello 
Why does everybody get so mad? 
Yellow, yellow 
It's the colour for the battle in my head 
I have a beat in my life like love in my heart 
The sun up in the sky as we rock with the stars 
We just cant keep fighting anymore 
No, no, no 

We're the colours of the rainbow (yeah, yeah) 
Lets share our pot of gold 
We're the colours of the rainbow (yeah, yeah) 
Everybody's on the yellow brick road 

There's enough for you, you, you 
There's enough for me, me, me 
We're the colours of the rainbow (yeah, yeah) 
We're the colours of the rainbow (yeah, yeah) 
We're the colours of the rainbow

All is fair in love and war, knock me down and I'lll get back up wanting more

We may not have all the answers
I know that we can change some of the things that are beyond our control
And the vision of us may be blurry
But use your heart to see
Just follow the beat, the rhythm will lead you right back to me

Sometimes it's a game of give and take
It's easy to break
But hold on and wait
Have a little faith

I will go down to the last round
I'll be your strength to find you when you get lost in the crowd
So I'll stand up tall, if by chance I fall
Then I'll go down as a casualty of love

The battle of us could be simple
Escape without being hurt
Cause love is our shield, keeps us concealed
From what could get even worse

So baby let me be your soldier
Don't be overtaken by pride
Just close your eyes, take my hand
Promise to keep us alive

Sometimes it's a game of give and take
It's easy to break
But hold on and wait
Have a little faith

I will go down to the last round
I'll be your strength to find you when you get lost in the crowd
So I'll stand up tall, if by chance I fall
Then I'll go down as a casualty of love

All is fair
In love and war
Knock me down
And I'll get back up wanting more
Through the fire and rain
It makes me numb from the pain
That's the price, that's the price, I'll pay

I will go down to the last round
I'll be your strength to find you when you get lost in the crowd
So I'll stand up tall, Baby if I fall
Then I'll go down as a casualty of love

Big White Room

This is a song by Jessie J. I have no idea what it is actually about but it speaks so strongly to me as it explains a little about how depression can feel some time




Sitting in a big white room alone
Tilt my head back, feel the tears fall down
Close my eyes to see in the dark
I feel young, broken, so so scared (mmmmmm)
I don't wanna be here anymore
I wanna be somewhere else
Normal and free, like I used to be (oh)
But I have to stay in this big white room
With little old me

I'm going crazy
I'm losing my mind
I'm going crazy
In this big white room of mine
I'm going crazy
I'm losing my mind
I'm going crazy
In this big white room of mine

Sitting in a big white room alone
Close the door
Don't want the pain to come in (no no no no no no)
I clench my fist
And try to stay strong
I cry, feel sick
My heart is beating, b-b-beating, beating out of control
Can I run, run faster than you
I wanna feel my body again
Feel the wind in my hair, yeah

But I have to stay in this big white room
'Cause no one else cares (no no no no no no no oh)

I'm going crazy
I'm losing my mind
I'm going crazy
In this big white room of mine
I'm going crazy
I'm losing my mind
I'm going crazy
In this big white room of mine

Everybody's looking at me
Everybody's staring at me
What do I do now
Smile, yeah, yeah
Everybody's looking at me
Everybody's staring at me
What do I do now
Smile, yeah, yeah

Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh yeah oh

I'm going crazy
I'm losing my mind
I'm going crazy
In this big white room of mine
I'm going crazy
I'm losing my mind
I'm going crazy
In this big white room of mine