Eastenders

I am a huge huge fan of the soap, been watching it for years and years religiously.
I was so pleased when they did the Stacey Slater depression story, I understood what she was going through and her portrayal of the illness was rediculously accurate. I was so impressed that the show was brave enough to do it and was impressed by how well it went. And with Jean also, and her story and how they are mother and daughter. Their story is close to my heart.
And I am watching it now, and Kat is visiting Jean in the mental health hospital. Kat has lost her child, cot death and Jean has severe clinical depression. Kat feels like her world has turned black and is going through hell and can't see light at the end of the tunnel anymore. And Kat said to Jean, 'you know what that feels like don't you? You know what it's like to go through hell' and Jean simply replied yes. And finally what I have been trying to say, someone agrees with me.
I know I know Eastenders is fiction, it's not real. But they are real stories. Very real, things that do happen day to day. And they portray it very well.

Light up, Light up as if you have a choice

Another stunner sang by Leona Lewis but also fantastic by Snow Patrol

I'll sing it one last time for you
Then we really have to go
You've been the only thing that's right
In all I've done

And I can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we'll make it anywhere
Away from here

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Louder louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say

To think I might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbye
I nearly do

Light up...

Slower slower
We don't have time for that
All I want is to find an easier way
To get out of our little heads

Have heart my dear
We're bound to be afraid
Even if it's just for a few days
Making up for all this mess

I gotta find my place, I wanna hear my sound

Love this song, and sang by Leona Lewis is stunning!

Someone once told me that you have to choose
What you win or lose
You can’t have everything

Don’t you take chances
You might feel the pain
Don’t you love in vain
’cause love won’t set you free

I can’t stand by the side
And watch this life pass me by
So unhappy
But safe as could be

So what if it hurts me?
So what if I break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge,
My feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place
I wanna hear my sound
Don’t care about all the pain in front of me
I just trying to be happy
I just wanna be happy

Holding on tightly
just can’t let go
just trying to play my role
slowly disappear

But all these days
They feel like they’re they’re same
Just different faces
different place
Get me out of here

I can’t stand by the side
And watch this life pass me by

So what if it hurts me?
So what if i break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge?
my feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place
I wanna hear my sound
don’t care about all the pain in front of me
I’m just trying to be happy

So any turns that I can't see
Like I'm a stranger on this road
But don't say victim
Don't say anything

So what if it hurts me?
So what if I break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge?
My feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place
I wanna hear my sound
Don’t care about all the pain in front of me
I just wanna be happy
Happy

I'm not unhappy

Going through this blog you may think I'm very depressed and an unhappy person. Not at all.
Cheesy and sentimental? Very. I think too much. Think about things too deeply. My mind is on overtime constantly. I try to find meaning in everything and over analyse everything. I take nothing at face value, my illness meant I had to learn to not do this. I'm a very deep person! But I am happy and know how to have fun.  My overthinking can be a curse, can make things harder, can cause people to criticise but that's who I am. But I also see it as a blessing most of the time. I like to be able to understand things, reflect on things.
If you can make sense of that rabble, well done!

I'd listen to her cos I'd know how it hurts when you love the one you wanted cos he's taking you for granted and everything you had got destroyed

I know I know another song about heart break, you can guess what's happening in my life at the moment! When you experience something, or feel something, when you hear lyrics that say exactly your feeling you can't help but take notice of them. When I fall in love again the lyrics on this blog will probably have a completely different tone! But for now I love this song, I love beyonce, stunning voice and stunning song!

If I were a boy even just for a day
I'd roll out of bed in the morning
And throw on what I wanted
And go drink beer with the guys

And chase after girls
I'd kick it with who I wanted
And I'd never get confronted for it
'Cause they stick up for me

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I'd be a better man

I'd listen to her
'Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
'Cause he's taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

If I were a boy
I would turn off my phone
Tell everyone it's broken
So they'd think that I was sleeping alone

I'd put myself first
And make the rules as I go
'Cause I know that she'd be faithful
Waiting for me to come home, to come home

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I'd be a better man

I'd listen to her
'Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
'Cause he's taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

It's a little too late for you to come back
Say it's just a mistake
Think I'd forgive you like that
If you thought I would wait for you
You thought wrong

But you're just a boy
You don't understand
And you don't understand, oh
How it feels to love a girl
Someday you wish you were a better man

You don't listen to her
You don't care how it hurts
Until you lose the one you wanted
'Cause you're taking her for granted
And everything you had got destroyed
But you're just a boy

Lent

I really wish I had done more this lent. I know it's not over yet or not too late. I don't know what's wrong with me. With everything that's been going on with work I just have been in such an awful head space that it's been impossible to get my head around Lent. One of the main things I wanted to do ( I don't give anything up for Lent, I always try and do something extra) was find more time for God. I have actually managed to decrease the time I usually find for him in my day to day life. I have been attending morning prayer every morning, making more of a concious effort to do this than usual although I have been better at this recently anyway, but I wanted to get to mass every morning, but because I have been so tired this hasn't been possible in my mornings and find more time to spend just me and him, and  I haven't done that once since Ash Wednesday and I usually do this once a week! I'm so frustrated. And my excuse and reason I haven't managed it is because my head has been in such a bad place, but if annything this should have acted as a reason for doing it more! My head is such a mess because I haven't found enough time to be with just God. I don't know why I'm finding it so hard to find that time. Even now as I type this I keep avoiding it. I don't know why, am I scared? I never have been before. I don't understand what's happening really. Doesn't help right now when I need my faith most it appears to be shaken. I'm looking forward so much to Lourdes. I hope when there my faith is renewed and I am given strength. I am scared I may not have time for this tho with the kids. I will have to make sure I find time. So essential I get what I need out of it.
Complete fail at Lent though. I'm so disappointed.

The Time of My Life

Ok so I have always found it hard to stick with one song as my favourite of all time but this one has been my all time favourite for years now. And I had never seen Dirty Dancing until I moved to London. And seeing the film that it comes from just made me fall in love with it more. Stunning music, stunning choreography, stunning lyrics, stunning singing. I want this to be my first dance song at my wedding!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WpmILPAcRQo

Now I've had the time of my life
No I never felt like this before
Yes I swear it's the truth
and I owe it all to you
'Cause I've had the time of my life
and I owe it all to you

 I've been waiting for so long
Now I've finally found someone
To stand by me
We saw the writing on the wall
As we felt this magical fantasy
Now with passion in our eyes
There's no way we could disguise it secretly
So we take each other's hand
'Cause we seem to understand the urgency

I've had the time of my life
No I never felt this way before
Yes I swear it's the truth
And I owe it all to you
'Cause I've had the time of my life
And I've searched through every open door
'Til I found the truth
And I owe it all to you

 With my body and soul
I want you more than you'll ever know
So we'll just let it go
Don't be afraid to lose control

Yes I know whats on your mind
When you say:
"Stay with me tonight."

Just remember
You're the one thing
I can't get enough of
So I'll tell you something
This could be love because

'Cause I had the time of my life
No I've never felt this way before
Yes I swear it's the truth
And I owe it all to you
'Cause I've had the time of my life
And I've searched through every open door
Till I found the truth
and I owe it all to you

Just going through this blog...

Firstly, if you're reading this and have been through my blog, thankyou.
I can imagine it may be quite a hard read. As the description says, its brutally honest. I talk about things that many don't want to. That's who I am. But I know some people don't want to listen. People could criticise me to high heaven for this blog because I am literally wearing my heart on my sleeve, everything is there for people to see. I have nothing hidden. That's who I am. Maybe this is because my illness was a hidden illness and my greatest frustration was that people couldn't and still can't see it. I would be screaming out for help but noone knew what was going on. Therefore I hate having a hidden layer that noone can see.... possibly.
But I also hope that some of it will make you smile. Some of the lyrics may make you hear them in a whole new way. You may see a song that you used to love and will fall in love with again. I also want people to know my story and be inspired by it (??) or at least given hope by it. I don't expect that to happen through this blog as not many people read it, but oneof the biggest problems with my illness is my thoughts can be so muddled and not make sense, they are running around in my head constantly and my mind is on overtime. This blog helps me get some of these thoughts out to stop my headaches! And I don't think I can be slated for that. However I do choose to publish my story, this blog has helped me organise what I would want in that story. So this blog helps me in ways people just don't understand.
However, my guessing is that not many people are reading this. I am not afraid to talk about the stuff I talk about in this blog to those I know, but I haven't told many people about the blog. Yes it's on my facebook and twitter pages but who takes notice? A few people know about it but don't follow it. I'm not afraid for friends and family to read it, I'm not ashamed. But for example, I think my mum might be shocked I am prepared to talk so openly, I think friends won't understand it and slate it instead. I guess I am afraid of people failing to understand it and so slating it. Therefore I keep it to myself mainly, as it is serviing it's purpose as it is. There is a definite fear that if friends and family follow it closely and start picking at it it will lose its purpose for me.
But anyway, the whole point of this post....
Throughout the blog I put up lyrics, quotes etc that many would associate with those who have been victims of abuse, violence, have lost parents, are in care etc. Hard hitting stories that we hear of everyday and campaign about widely and try as hard as possible to raise awareness about. Many would argue that myself, someone who has been raised with a huge, loving, caring family who are wealthy and have cared for me so well to have any experience of what those people have gone through. I believe my depression as a clinical illness, which not only put me in hospital, needed treatment with therapy for 6 years of my life and for which I am still taking medication for but also darkened my world, sent me into a place where I experienced the same pain as those people. If you don't have any experience of depression this is something you just won't understand. If there was a girl who had been raped stood next to me and you were asked who was going through the worse experience, all would say straight away the poor girl who has been raped. I do not believe my need to be greater than theirs. I believe that I can sympathise with their pain because I have experienced such pain myself.
So when you go through my blog you may think her life aint so tough, she needs to get over it. Which is fair enough if you dont understand. I get that. But then I ask that you please just don't follow my blog. For it would no longer be serving its purpose for me.
Thanks

You're Amazing, Just the Way you are!

Beautiful song!

Oh her eyes, her eyes
Make the stars look like they're not shining
Her hair, her hair
Falls perfectly without her trying

She's so beautiful
And I tell her every day

Yeah I know, I know
When I compliment her
She wont believe me
And its so, its so
Sad to think she don't see what I see

But every time she asks me do I look okay
I say

When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile,
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
Cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are

Her nails, her nails
I could kiss them all day if she'd let me
Her laugh, her laugh
She hates but I think its so sexy

She's so beautiful
And I tell her every day

Oh you know, you know, you know
Id never ask you to change
If perfect is what you're searching for
Then just stay the same

So don't even bother asking
If you look okay
You know I say

When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile,
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
Cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are

Teardrops on my Guitar

I don't play the guitar, wish I did to be fair but love this song!

Drew looks at me
I fake a smile so he won't see
What I want and I need
And everything that we should be

I'll bet she's beautiful
That girl he talks about
And she's got everything
That I have to live without

Drew talks to me
I laugh 'cause it's just so funny
I can't even see
Anyone when he's with me

He says he's so in love
He's finally got it right
I wonder if he knows
He's all I think about at night

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star
He's the song in the car I keep singing
Don't know why I do

Drew walks by me
Can he tell that I can't breathe?
And there he goes, so perfectly
The kind of flawless I wish I could be

She better hold him tight
Give him all her love
Look in those beautiful eyes
And know she's lucky 'cause

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star
He's the song in the car I keep singing
Don't know why I do

So I drive home alone
As I turn out the light
I'll put his picture down
And maybe get some sleep tonight

'Cuz he's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only one who's got enough of me to break my heart
He's the song in the car I keep singing
Don't know why I do

He's the time taken up but there's never enough
And he's all that I need to fall into
Drew looks at me
I fake a smile so he won't see

I am beautiful in every single way...

For someone who was bullied for years in high school, this song meant a lot

Every day is so wonderful
And suddenly, it's hard to breathe
Now and then, I get insecure
From all the fame, I'm so ashamed

I am beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring me down
I am beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring me down
So don't you bring me down today

To all your friends, you're delirious
So consumed in all your doom
Trying hard to fill the emptiness
The piece is gone and the puzzle undone
That's the way it is

You are beautiful no matter what they say
Words won't bring you down
You are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words won't bring you down
Don't you bring me down today...

No matter what we do
No matter what they say
When the sun is shining through
Then the clouds won't stay

And everywhere we go
The sun won't always shine  
But tomorrow will find a way
All the other times

We are beautiful no matter what they say
Yes, words won't bring us down
We are beautiful no matter what they say
Yes, words can't bring us down
Don't you bring me down today

I'm not a girl, not yet a woman

I used to think
I had the answers to everything,
But now I know
Life doesn't always go my way,
Feels like I'm caught in the middle
That's when I realise...


I'm not a girl,
Not yet a woman.
All I need is time,
A moment that is mine,
While I'm in between.

I'm not a girl,
There is no need to protect me.
It's time that I
Learn to face up to this on my own.
I've seen so much more than you know now,
So don't tell me to shut my eyes.

I'm not a girl,
But if you look at me closely,
You will see it my eyes.
This girl will always find
Her way.

I'm not a girl
I'm not a girl don't tell me what to believe
Not Yet a woman
All I need is time A moment that is mine
While I'm in between.

I'm not a girl
Not yet a woman
All I need is time A moment that is mine,
While I'm in between.

I'm not a girl,
Not yet a woman.

Time to Change

http://www.time-to-change.org.uk/

Time to Change is England's most ambitious programme to end the stigma and discrimination faced by people who experience mental health problems.

Check out the website. Something very close to my heart

Les Miserables

Ok so the first time I saw the musical it was in Cardiff, on its 25th anniversary tour. It was winter. I knew nothing of the story but I had heard some of the songs.
So on the night I was in a rediculously bad mood and wasn't up for it at all. Sat through the show and appreciated the production, appreciated the music, appreciated the talent and scenery. But could not fall in love with it. And hated the story line - said 'they all die or commit suicide!'
And then my mate told me about her love for the show, and another friend said it also, so I downloaded the soundtrack and fell in love with it. I then went to see it in London's west end and feel further in love with it. I'm now officially obsessed and saw it for the 3rd time the other night!
But anyway, before I had ever seen the show I loveddd the song 'On My Own'. Then when I realised the context after seeing the show, I loved it even more.
For those who know the show this will make sense to you - I am Eponine! So these lyrics mean a lot:

On My Own
And now I'm all alone again nowhere to go, no one
to turn to
without a home, without a friend, without a face to say hello to
But now the night is near
And I can make believe he's here

Sometimes I walk alone at night
When everybody else is sleeping
I think of him and then I'm happy
With the company I'm keeping
The city goes to bed
And I can live inside my head

On my own
Pretending he's beside me
All alone
I walk with him till morning
Without him
I feel his arms around me
And when I lose my way I close my eyes
And he has found me

In the rain the pavement shines like silver
All the lights are misty in the river
In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight
And all I see is him and me forever and forever

And I know it's only in my mind
That I'm talking to myself and not to him
And although I know that he is blind
Still I say, there's a way for us

I love him
But when the night is over
He is gone
The river's just a river
Without him
The world around me changes
The trees are bare and everywhere
The streets are full of strangers

I love him
But every day I'm learning
All my life
I've only been pretending
Without me
His world would go on turning
A world that's full of happiness
That I have never known

I love him
I love him
I love him
But only on my own

Some wisdom from the Lion King....

Beautiful lyrics, interpret as you like and the music is stunning! Look it up on youtube

He Lives in You
'There's no mountain to great, hear these words and have faith
He lives in you, he lives in me, he watches over everything we see. Into the water, into the truth, in your reflection he lives in you'
The first time I heard  this was after my Grandad had died, so you can understand why they stuck with me!

We are One:
'As you go through life you'll see
There is so much that we
Don't understand
And the only thing we know
Is things don't always go
The way we planned
But you'll see every day
That we'll never turn away
When it seems all your dreams come undone
We will stand by your side
Filled with hope and filled with pride
We are more than we are
We are one
If there's so much I must be
Can I still just be me
The way I am?
Can I trust in my own heart
Or am I just one part
Of some big plan?
Even those who are gone
Are with us as we go on
Your journey has only begun
Tears of pain, tears of joy
One thing nothing can destroy
Is our pride, deep inside
We are one
We are one, you and I
We are like the earth and sky
One family under the sun
All the wisdom to lead
All the courage that you need
You will find when you see
We are one'

Beautiful!

Love Will Find a Way:
'In a perfect world
One we've never known
We would never need to face the world alone
They can have the world
We'll create our own
I may not be brave or strong or smart
But somewhere in my secret heart
I know
Love will find a way
Anywhere I go
I'm home
If you are there beside me
Like dark turning into day
Somehow we'll come through
Now that I've found you
Love will find a way
I was so afraid
Now I realize
Love is never wrong
And so it never dies
There's a perfect world
Shining in your eyes
And if only they could feel it too
The happiness I feel with you
They'd know
Love will find a way
Anywhere we go
We're home
If we are there together
Like dark turning into day
Somehow we'll come through
Now that I've found you
Love will find a way
I know love will find a way'

Beautiful lyrics and stunning music

I am my worst enemy

Sometimes they say 'you are your worst enemy'......
The hardest battles to fight are those with yourself - some people think this when they are trying to make a tough decision, when they have to choose right from wrong, when their heart says one thing but their head says another.
What about when the enemy is a part of you? Something inside of you that is a shadow of yourself, your greatest enemy. A part of you that you have to fight every day. A part of you that cannot simply be pushed away.
One of the best ways I have been able to express my illness is through illustrations, which I initially drew in a Spanish GCSE lesson, I had just received detention because once again I hadn't had the strength to complete my homework and I sat in the back of class, was meant to be writing an essay but instead started drawing a monster.
The monster didn't look like a monster. It had none of your usual monster characteristics. Far from it. I just drew stick people (part of this being because I am not a good enough artist to have made it more creative, but actually, the simple stick man represents it quite well). Next to the 'monster' I drew myself (again, it was no self portrait, I'm no artist). And both the monster and myself were identical stick men. Except in size.
When I was at my worst, the monster would tower over me, so tall and mighty as I stood so small and frail. When I was having okay days, we would be around equal in size. And when I was having a good day, I would be tall and mighty and the monster small and frail.
The illustration showed how when I was at my worst there was a part of me that was so much greater than me, it dominated me, made me feel so worthless, small, insignificant, useless and would destroy me. This monster would dominate all my thoughts and feelings, would be there all the time and impossible to escape from. It felt like the battle was already lost, because I simply was not strong enough to fight it.
When I was feeling okay, neither of us would dominate. I'd be able to stand just about strong enough to not feel dominated, but the battle was not won, the monster was still very much there and was my equal.
When I was having good days, I would dominate me. I would be able to fight the monster. I could stamp him out, push him away, ignore him because he was so small and insignificant and meant very little.
With these images I tried to make a timeline. Documenting the times I was dominant and the times he was dominant (I know it is very stereotypical to call a monster a he but in my head he was definitely a he) became the best way I had ever been able to communicate properly what was happening in my head. And that's exactly the point. Take the drawings off the page and place them in my head. In my head there are these two people, the monster and me.
The monster controlled my mood, my thoughts, my feelings, my words and my actions. And a lot of the time I had no control over him, meaning I was therefore not in control of my mood, thoughts, feelings, words and actions. Yet noone understood that. 'Why are you being so moody??' And wouldn't for one minute believe I couldn't control it. And so I was battling with others because of him. So I was fighting more than just myself. So I guess when I was getting therapy I was finding ways to fight him. 
There were days when I felt the monster would never leave. Days when I kept losing the battle again and again. Days when I couldn't fight anymore. And days when I started to believe the monster would be my constant dominant companion.
What I didn't know back then is that the monster will always be a part of me. But that I could fight it. And although he will always be with me, I will be the dominant one. With control over my own thoughts, feelings, mood, actions and words. The moster still fights with me, sometimes he wins. But now, more often than not, it's me who wins.

Use every word you've ever heard to colour my world

Everybody needs affection
Looking for a deep connection
So put a little bit of love in my life today
Everybody needs some shelter
Spend a little time together
Come into my arms
Let them tell you what I want to say

Color my world
Draw on my heart
Take a picture of what you think love looks like
in your imagination
Write on my soul
Everything you know
Use every word you've ever heard
To color my world

I've had enough of not believing
Living life without a meaning
I want something real and I feel it when I'm next
to you
Let's build a house of love and devotion
A window to my heart's emotion
'Til the very end
It's the place I'm gonna keep you in, baby please just

Color my world
Draw on my heart
Take a picture of what you think love looks like
in your imagination
Write on my soul
Everything you know
Use every word you've ever heard
To color my world

Let's make a world for you and me
That were never gonna leave
Color my world

And though I'd move my world to be with him, still the gap between us is too wide

Nothing is so good it lasts eternally,
Perfect situations must go wrong,
But this have never yet prevented me,
Wanting far to much,
For far too long,

Looking back I could have played it differently,
Won a few more moments who can tell,
But it took time to understand men,
Now at least I know,
I know him well,

Wasn't it good,
Oh so good,
Wasn't he fine,
Oh so fine,
Isn't madness he can't be mine,
But in the end he needs a little bit more than me,
More, security,
He needs fantasy and freedom,
I know him so well,

No one in your life is with you constantly,
No one is completely on your side,
And though I'd move my world to be with him,
Still the gap between us is too wide,

Looking back I could have played differently,
Won a few more moments who can tell,
I was just a little girl
But I was ever so much younger then,
Now at least I know,
I know him well.

Wasn't it good,
Oh so good,
Wasn't he fine,
Oh so fine,
Isn't madness he won't be mine,
Didn't I know,
How it would go,
If I knew from the start,
Why am I falling apart?

Wasn't he good,
Wasn't he fine,
Isn't it madness he won't be mine,
But in the end he needs a little bit more than me,
More, security,
He needs his fantasy and freedom,
It took time to understand men,
I know him so well.

Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead

I heard, that your settled down.
That you, found a girl and your married now.
I heard that your dreams came true.
Guess she gave you things, I didn't give to you.

Old friend, why are you so shy?
Ain't like you to hold it back or hide from the light.

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited.
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I'd hoped you'd see my face & that you'd be reminded,
That for me, it isn't over.

Nevermind, I'll find someone like you.
I wish nothing but the best, for you too.
Don't forget me, I beg, I remember you said:-
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead"

You'd know, how the time flies.
Only yesterday, was the time of our lives.
We were born and raised in a summer haze.
Bound by the surprise of our glory days.

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited,
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I'd hoped you'd see my face & that you'd be reminded,
That for me, it isn't over.

Nevermind, I'll find someone like you.
I wish nothing but the best for you too.
Don't forget me, I beg, I remember you say:-
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead"
 

Nothing compares, no worries or cares.
Regret's and mistakes they're memories made.
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

Nevermind, I'll find someone like you.
I wish nothing but the best for you.
Don't forget me, I beg, I remember you said:-
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead"

You broke my world, made me strong, thankyou

The fights, those nights
I tried to pretend it don't hurt
The way, I prayed
Someday that you would love me
Really, completely
Just how I wanted it to be
But no, so wrong
Can't believe I stayed with you so long

You hit, you spit, you split, ever-y bit of me, yeah
You stole, you broke, you're cold
You're such a joke to me, yeah

For every last bruise you gave me
For every time I sat in tears
For the million ways you hurt me
I just wanna tell you this
You broke my world, made me strong
Thank you
Messed up my dreams, made me strong
Thank you

My head, near dead
Just the way you wanted it
My soul, stone cold
Cos I was under you're control
So young, so dumb
Knew just how to make me succumb
But I understand
To make yourself feel like a man

You hit, you spit, you split, ever-y bit of me, yeah
You stole, you broke, you're cold
You're such a joke to me, yeah

For every last bruise you gave me
For every time I sat in tears
For the million ways you hurt me
I just wanna tell you this
You broke my world, made me strong
Thank you
Messed up my dreams, made me strong
Thank you

You coulda had it all babe
It coulda been so right
I woulda given you everything
Morning through night
you taught me some lessons
Those are my blessings
That won't happen again
Thank you

Fly

In a moment, everything can change,
Feel the wind on your shoulder,
For a minute, all the world can wait,
Let go of your yesterday.

Can you hear it calling?
Can you feel it in your soul?
Can you trust this longing?
And take control,

Fly
Open up the part of you that wants to hide away
You can shine,
Forget about the reasons why you can't in life,
And start to try, cause it's your time,
Time to fly.

All your worries, leave them somewhere else,
Find a dream you can follow,
Reach for something, when there's nothing left,
And the world's feeling hollow.

Can you hear it calling?
Can you feel it in your soul?
Can you trust this longing?
And take control,

Fly
Open up the part of you that wants to hide away
You can shine,
Forget about the reasons why you can't in life,
And start to try, cause it's your time,
Time to fly.

And when you're down and feel alone,
Just want to run away,
Trust yourself and don't give up,
You know you better than anyone else,

In a moment, everything can change,
Feel the wind on your shoulder,
For a minute, all the world can wait,
Let go of yesterday,

Fly
Open up the part of you that wants to hide away
You can shine,
Forget about the reasons why you can't in life,
And start to try,

In a moment, everything can change.

John 14:1

'Jesus said, 'Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, trust also in me'.

Scarred for Life

So my illness has left me with emotional scars (in a sense) as I have felt and known the deepest sadness and loneliness and isolation, I have been scared and afraid and in despair. But I don't see these things as emotional scars, because I have pullled through them, become stronger and they build up who I am and I am not afraid of them. And now and again the wound bleeds again and I don't think this will ever leave me.
But I also have physical scars. The first is my medical records, they will always stay with me so I will always have records of my illness. But also my hospital visit, and these can't be erased.
And then there are the physical scars which I see everyday and are visible to others. I used to be ashamed of the scars and looked for treatment to get rid of them. They were a constant reminder of my illness, my sadness, my despair. And I would have done anything to get rid of them. But at some point over the years my attitude changed. I was no longer ashamed of them. I didn't want to show them off either. People are uncomfortable when they realise what my scars are and when they see them they know instantly. And they don't like to talk about them or ask about them. Which I understand. But now when I see them I don't feel ashamed. I feel pride. They are a sign of my past. The fact they are so faded shows that I'm not that person anymore. And I'm stronger now. And they show just how far I have come.

If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best

I'm damaged goods, I have a past, which hasn't just disappeared into thin air and to be fair is still with me in many ways.
So I guess I must wait for someone who will take all of who I am and accept me to let them in. But I thought I had found that and then was mistaken.
My past scares people. I'm too complicated. I guess I only deserve those who can look past my brokenness and wait for someone who makes me whole.
I may be waiting a longggg time then!

Everything Happens for a Reason

This is one of my strongest beliefs in life.
My life was planned out long before I was born and everything that happens is part of God's plan. And he wouldn't do anything for no reason, the challenege is to find the reason.
For example:
Many criticise those who have faith saying 'If there was a God, why would he let there be poverty and natural disasters etc'. My answer is simple - God is calling us to reach out to those in need. He is calling us to respond to his messages in the gospels by getting active, actively doing something to help others. Being a practicising Catholic. And many centre their life around these causes, such as those who work for charities like CAFOD. We also should take something to learn from these things, for there is ALWAYS something to learn. The best example is 9/11, a tragedy which shook the world. But what have we learnt - we have learnt to be aware of the evil among us, we have increased our security and protection, measures that have only been implemented because of this event and look how we have benefited. I understand that obviously it would have been nice if it hadn't happened at all, but people who say that are looking for a perfect world and we don't live in one. God sets us a challenge for a reason.
My other example would be when someone dies. And people are struck with grief and question why. Even this I would consider happens for a reason. When my Grandad died unexpectantly, a fit and healthy man who had many years in him yet, we couldn't understand why this had happened. But his death brought me and nan closer together. Before he died, me and my nan didn't get on. But we found love and strength in one another that we didn't know was there and that is so valuable. No it does not mean I wouldn't have my Grandad back if I could, but I can't change it and I can't have him back. So instead I have to take the positive out of it. I was also young at the time and it was the first experience I ever had of losing a family member who was so close to me. And this built my strength. I also saw how it brought my family closer together. And I realised how lucky I was to have such a great family.
So I hold onto the belief that everything happens for a reason. And this gives me great strength and faith. And I'm lucky to have this.

R.I.P. Chris, Aunty K, Grandad, Grandpa, Uncle John

Always you will be part of me
And I will forever feel your strength
When I need it most
You’re gone now, gone but not forgotten
I can’t say this to your face
But I know you hear
 

I’ll see you again
You never really left
I feel you walk beside me
I know I’ll see you again
When I’m lost, when I’m missing you like crazy
I tell myself I’m so blessed
To have had you in my life, my life
 

When I had the time to tell you
Never thought I’d live to see the day
When the words I should have said
Would come to haunt me
In my darkest hour I tell myself
I’ll see you again
 

I will see you again
I’ll see you again
I miss you like crazy
You’re gone but not forgotten
I’ll never forget you
Someday I’ll see you again
I feel you walk beside me
Never leave you, 

Gone but not forgotten
I feel you by my side
No this is not goodbye 

Change

This time last year I was the happiest I had been for five years. I was finally stable and it took me a while to realise because I had forgotten what it was like. It wasn't until the doctor said it that I started to believe it.
But I don't feel that same stability. What has changed?
Well everything I guess. I came out of college having achieved 4 really good A levels, something I never thought I would achieve. I left my family, my friends and everything that was familiar to move to London. I was thrown into big city life, community living and working life where everything and everyone who were my strength was stripped away from me.
The novelty was there for a while but it became reality and I experienced my illness in a new setting, new life, very very different to what it was before. Everything that I used to cope and deal with my illness has changed because life was suddenly very different. And this has been a struggle, a climb, a battle and a learning curve. I have had to find new coping strategies. I was blinded by the excitement of London to face up to how difficult it was going to be. Community living is tough. London is lonely and isolating. I love my job but work can tire me out.
I love it and have accepted the challenge with grace and wouldn't change it for the world. I have learnt so much and still am. I have come so far, even if at times it has felt that I have taken a million steps back. I remember what I used to be like and see I am very little of that person now. Although it feels sometimes I am going back to my old ways I realise its not my old ways. Its different ways. And this is not nearly as bad as I once were
Many can't believe how well I have coped and are proud of how I have coped and stuck with it. And I am proud of me too.
As I always say, baby steps.And each is as significatn as the last and the next. And I cannot turn down a challenge. And I never give up.