How can you bring yourself to do that?!

I was watching Jeremy Kyle today (I have a lot of respect for the man and love his show) and on the show was Jade Goody's mother talking about many things, her drug addiction, how she has coped with the death of her daughter but the thing that struck me most was when she spoke about her attempted suicide.

She wanted to be with Jade and so killing herself was the best thing to do. She in her head had managed to convince herself that it was the best thing to do. She wrote notes and then cut herself. She was found by a stranger and woke up in intensive care. Looking back she believes an angel brought the stranger to her and made her wake up. And she is glad they did. And she knows she would never ever do it again because she needs to be there for her grandsons.

What struck me most is that Jeremy almost had a go at her. Told her how angry Jade would be if she had been here. Asked her why she did it. What was going through her mind. Practically called her crazy. Saying why didn't you speak to those around you, ask for help? Saying that your daughter didn't have a choice and you did yet you chose to take your life.  And it reminded me of a conversation I had with my two friends last week, who both said 'I have no idea how someone could do that, I could never bring myself to take my own life'. It is hard to explain to anyone who hasn't been there that it is not that person doing it to themselves. There is no logical explanation to how they got to that stage. It is like being possessed. You don't have control over your thoughts or actions. You can't stop yourself. Because it's not you. It's like your another person. And afterwards you hate yourself for having done it. And no one can ever understand what it feels like to be in such a dark place that it becomes the logical thing to do. It's not selfish. It's not attention seeking. It may be a cry for help, but not purposely at other's expense. It's a means of escape for that person. Thoughts of loved ones disappear. Thoughts of what they are leaving behind are non existent.

But I can't blame Jeremy for his reaction. If you haven't been there I can see how hard it is to understand.