WARNING - VERY HONEST. NOT FOR THE FAINT HEARTED.
So I have been wanting to write this post for a while, it's something that I am passionate about because I have been through it myself and watched those closest to me go through it. I am passionate about many things, but this is something that is just not spoken about enough. And providing that this would be a huge part of my book, I have no issues with putting it on here.
I do not claim to be an expert, or have all the answers or knowledge, never have. I forever speak from my own experiences. I have studied it in detail also, but its easy enough to find the facts on the net, unless you have been through it you cannot actually know enough about it.
Imagine a room, completely black. You can't see a thing. There's a door. You can see a tiny bit of light. You know thats where you have got to get to. But you don't know how to get to it. You can't see. There are people in the room. They are the only way you can get over the hurdles to get to the light. You reach out. You can't feel them. You have never felt more alone. The people there are screaming at you, wanting to help, holding out their hands to you to hold, but you can't see them, you can't hear them, you can't reach them. Or worse so, your mind has convinced you you don't need them. And all you want is for someone to turn the lightswitch on.
In your head, imagine two people. One is what I like to call a deamon, a monster, the other is you. The deamon is depression. When you are weak, he is strong. He takes over your mind and can convince you of anything. He tells you what your thinking. He speaks to you. He is negative. He convinces you that you are worthless, that there is not reason to fight, that the world is against you and that you are better off not around. These thoughts are rushing through your mind. They will not budge. They lead to how you feel, your emotions and they lead to your reactions, how you act towards others, towards yourself.
No one can hear this deamon. No one can understand your head. So they don't understand why your feeling how you are feeling. No one can understand why you act the way you act. Because it doesn't make sense. Your thinking becomes illogical. And you upset people and offend people. And hurt the people closest to you. Everything that makes you happy becomes the thing that destroys you. And the hardest thing is that sometimes, there is not something specific that has made you feel so awful, so low, so depressed. Sometimes it is just there, deflating you and when people ask you what is wrong, you can’t actually explain. This alienates people.
And so you put up a barrier. You can't bear hurting others. So you don't let anything or anyone become close. You withdraw. You find yourself alone. And as people try to help, you push them away for fear you will hurt them. You convince yourself they are better off without them.
But its a constant battle in your own head. Because you must always remember, that there is the other part of your mind, yourself. Who's trying to fight the deamon. Trying to tell them they are wrong. Trying to stop yourself from believing them. When you are strong. You can. When you are weak, you become invisible. You no longer recognise yourself.
And so the deamon is also hurting you. No one can hurt you as much as the deamon can hurt you. And as the deamon is part of you, no one can hurt you more than you can hurt yourself. Imagine a world where you are destroying yourself from the inside. And no one can see this. And this is where self harm comes into play. Because you convince yourself that you should physically be in pain, because this may stop the mental and emotional pain. It also manages to convince you to kill yourself, because you come to the genuine belief that this is best for you and more importantly for everyone else. People who don't understand look at those who self harm and commit suicide as selfish and self consumed, asking for attention.. This is hurtful to those who suffer. The self harm may be a cry for help. A desperate plee for someone to notice their pain. It also helps them to be able to visualise their own pain that is so prominent in their minds. IBut it is often an action out of their control. Afterwards they dont understand why they did it. They do not remember how they got to the point where they felt nit was necessary to do that to themselves. So how can this be attention seeking? But yes, maybe the deamon is attention seeking, wanting the world to see their victory. But it is not yourself.
No one can see depression. Sellf harming, crying, being tired, facebook, twitter, blogs can be visible signs. Having to take medication, being in therapy, hospital, these are all visible signs. But there isnt a plaster or a bandage. If your arm was in plaster everyone would take pity on you, ask whats wrong, be interested, because they can see it. Depression is also not liked to be talked about. Someone may know you are on medication, but dont ask anything else. If you had cancer, which simlarly destroys from within, cannot be fixed quickly, and isnt instantly visible, is talked about. People ask how you are, everyone knows if you have cancer. And they are desperate to help. It's somehow easier to sympathise with. People struggle to sympathise with people who have depression because they simply do not understand. And this is hard. But you can't blame them. Unless you have been there, you couldn't understand. And in fairness, there are people who try, but just can't understand. And ironically, people with depression can sympathise with anyone. For, in my opinion, depression is the worst illness possible as it is self destructive and is all in your head, but more to the point it leads you to feel the deepest and lowest pain in the world. As low or worse than grief. But no one who has not been through depression can understand or believe this. But an illness that can lead you to end your own life, simply because you have convinced yourself you need to, is obviously an illness that really causes the lowest of lows in feelings. It affects your every move, every aspect of your life is taken over, you cannot function fully as something is holding you back. It takes your happiness. To have depression is the opposite of happiness. And it doesn't just affect the sufferer, but those around them. And it leaves sufferers feeling unbelievably lonely.
There is no quick fix for depression. Some people are reluctant to believe that depression is an illness, they believe it is an emotion that everyone feels and those who look at it as an illness are over dramatic and attention seeking. People do go through spells of depression, anyone can, it may happen for any reason, but it is an illness. And the hardest thing for those with the illness is that getting out of that dark room is so hard and a long process. There is no quick fix or easy way out. You have to fully commit yourself to getting out, to getting to the light. Unless you are committed, then you cannot make it. As you build strength, start conquering the hurdles, get closer to that door, it gets easier, the door opens more, revealing more of the light. There will be times when you cannot see the light at all. It is very easy for the deamon to convince you you will never get better, you will never make it out of that dark room, that this is it for the rest of your life. To overcome depression it takes the greatest of strengths because you are fighting yourself. It takes great faith. You have to believe it is possible. And as you get stronger, your belief will get stronger and the deamon will get weaker. Don't do it alone. People will remind you they are there in their own way and help you in their own way. Use all the help thats available, be open to having to work for it. It is worth it.
Everyone copes with depression differently because not one form of depression is the same because everyone's deamons are different because they are part of you and everyone is different. But use advice from others as there are many similar characteristics. My friend went through depression and she said what helped her most was to 'fake it til she made it'. She simply convinced herself and all around her that she was better, that she was coping, that she was happy. And one day she realised that she was no longer depressed. She no longer had anything to feel down or low about. She was happy.
The light is there. It never actually goes. So keep fighting. Remember how strong you are. Don't give up on life before it gives up on you. For as long as you are still alive, a part of you is still alive. When depression has completely taken over you will no longer be here. So remember who you are. Remember it won't be easy. Don't be frustrated if it takes time. Just keep pushing.
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