Worst fears recognised

So it is 16th August 2012.
6 months ago, if you had asked me where I would be my answer would have been in London working my socks off with the biggest event of my life starting in just over a weeks time- YCW's International Congress. After two years of preparation and work we would be in the final build up to what is going to be a historic occasion for the movement I have given my life to and love so dearly and one of the greatest achievements in my life.
But today I sit here, it is 6am and I am at home in Cardiff. 7 weeks ago I left YCW to move back to Cardiff for good as I felt I was no longer well enough to stay in London. Depression has hit me in it's fullest sense. I always said that seeing as I could not consider suicide due to a promise I made 7 years ago, having to give up my job would be the equivalent. Leaving my job, a job that became my life for two years, a job that I love so much, would mean loosing everything. It feels like my life has fallen to pieces and I can't explain the pain it causes.
Did I give up? No. I gave up on myself 2 months ago. I realised I was not going to get better whilst living and working in London. However, I made a concious decision to stay and complete the work I had started, regardless on the devastating effects this may have on my health. I gave up on myself, on my life, on my value and my own well-being. And not just because I didn't want to let others down- although this was a large part of it. But I did this because I did not know what I would do without my work. I knew going back home would not make me magically better, so could not see what I was gaining by leaving. Then I saw a psychiatrist who assessed me and after knowing me an hour felt the only way I could get better was if I left London and my job. Yes I already knew that, but for a doctor, a professional, to see me as a hopeless case for as long as I remained in London, made me think. All he could offer was to increase my medication. A medication we didn't even believe to be working. And so where did that leave me? And I knew in my heart what I needed to do for myself. But I could not shake a feeling of letting my colleagues down when I was needed most. But my line manager asked to meet me. My colleagues were worried about me. And they did not feel comfortable with me staying in the state I was in. We could also not see a way of making life in London and work any easier for me, there was no more anyone could do. And so it was the fairest decision for all involved that I leave.
Was it a relief? Yes. But overpowering the relief was a devastation that I have never known. A pain that was so deep. It broke my heart.
And so here I am. 7 weeks later, sat in Cardiff, having been awake all night. A week ago I dramatically deteriorated and after seeing a doctor on an emergency appointment, was facing a hospital admission. How did it come to this? Ever since I have been in and out of doctor appointments. The one positive- a crisis sprung the docs into action! I am on countless medication. I am not to be alone with friends and family being amazing to care for me. My parents are away, I miss them so much.
So I won't be travelling to the congress next week. I am still National Secretary of YCW and I really hoped that going home would strengthen me enough to feel able to play some sort of active role in the congress. However, any visit to work or London has been incredibly painful. And now I'm completely unable to take part in what was gonna be one of the greatest events of my life. I can only hope I can manage the closing ceremony so I can at least say I saw some of it. But right now I have to take each day as it comes.
I don't know how long it will take before I am strong enough to go back into the real world. I don't know who I am anymore. Who is Anna Morris in the youth ministry world without YCW? Who is Anna Morris without the strength to get out of bed in the morning? Who is Anna Morris who is even unable to write a simple email or make a quick phone call?
I was lucky enough to go to Lourdes a few weeks ago, in the midst of change in my life. I went praying to God that the pain may end soon, that things get better fast. I was able to leave with more acceptance of the situation. Does it make it less painful? I'm not sure.

Yes a terribly honest and depressing post. And unless you know what it feels like to lie in bed in the morning and have something inside you physically making you unable to leave bed whilst telling you how worthless, pathetic and stupid you are, then understandably you may not understand what I am going through. But this post should hopefully express the intense pain that I feel inside about what has happened.

And now I take one day at a time.It is the best way. The only way. It will get easier, of course it will. And I'm lucky to have good healthcare. If you are reading this I can only ask for your prayers.