I have always been big. Don't think I was a big baby and I wasn't like my sister who would eat absolutely anything, actually, now I'm quite a fussy eater. But I have always been big. I have wide shoulders and the Gwynne (mum's side) genes, which means I was always gonna be big, I'm shaped like my mum too, me and my mum are very similar in many ways, my dad's genes are more subtle.
Anyway so my parents tried to get me to eat healthy but I was so stroppy and would just eat what I wanted, which was ridiculous amounts of junk, therefore I was big. Didn't bother me much in primary school, guess at that age I didn't really think about it. And was actually quite proud to be one of the first of my friends to have to wear bras.
Have always always always hated sports aswell, don't think I have ever enjoyed them. Well this isn't completely true, I didn't like exercise being forced upon me, I'm a very very lazy person. So I hated P.E lessons all through primary and high school and didn't take part in any organised sport. But I did enjoy playing football etc with friends and for a year or so in my teens I had tennis lessons. But gave these up. The only real exercise I love is dancing and always has been.
In high school I started to become concious of my weight. I convinced myself, and on reflection I think I was right, that I was the biggest girl in my year in school. And I was picked on for it, not viciously, just people entertaining themselves by making fun of me. And it really really got to me. And so I started dieting and was obsessed but not disciplined in how I did it. I tried a million diets but wasn't strict enough with them and so they never worked, which frustrated me. For example, the weight watchers diet where you have points and you have to write down everything you ate, I lied about what I had eaten and about my points. So obviously wasn't going to work. My weight used to really depress me but for some reason I couldn't motivate myself to do anything serious about it. Tried starving myself once as well, as a lover of food this didn't last long.
This went on for a few years. I then joined a new group of friends who I became comfortable with and I suddenly stopped caring about what anyone else thought of me. I was big and loud and proud and was finally happy with who I was. Ok so I didn't like that I was big, but nor did it bother me much. And so I gave up on the diets and forcing myself to try and lose weight and was finally happy with who I was.
It is a proven fact that eating 3 healthy meals a day and doing 20 minutes exercise everyday can cure depression. A healthy lifestyle is a more positive way of living as long as everything is in moderation. Therefore my doctor came to a point when pushing for this may be a way to make me better. However, I could not bring myself to do it. Eating healthy instead of being able to eat what I like made me feel like I was on a diet. He asked me to keep food diaries, which brought back memories of weight watchers and so absolutely hated and forcing myself to do 20 minutes of exercise a day actually scared the life out of me and brought me to tears. I couldn't understand it at the time but looking back I realise that at that age I linked a healthy lifestyle with such negativity due to childhood experiences where I used to get in arguments with my parents because I was eating so much junk and for forcing me to eat healthily and from teenage years where I had been teased for my size and so become obsessive with it.
Since I have moved to London a year ago I have dropped 2 dress sizes and have done nothing to make this happen. I haven't been the size I am now since I was about 14. My lifestyle is healthier here, I snack less and eat proper meals more often than not, drink less and walk more. And I like losing the weight.
Now I am ill again, I am finally (4 years later) taking on my doctor's advice and making a concious effort to be a bit healthier, making small steps, without being obsessive. Still not got over the exercise hurdle although my job leaves me very little time to commit to some sort of organised exercise or even set myself a target of so many walks a week, even though it's not impossible, but I would be going out of my way for this to happen and as I said, I haven't quite conquered that yet. But I am drinking lots of water, I enjoy eating fruit and am trying to make sure I have breakfast. However, still not weighing myself (I haven't weighed myself for my personal knowledge for well over 5 years) or measuring my waist or anything like that. Just taking small steps. It's amazing how my attitude has changed.
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