And though I'd move my world to be with him, still the gap between us is too wide

Nothing is so good it lasts eternally,
Perfect situations must go wrong,
But this have never yet prevented me,
Wanting far to much,
For far too long,

Looking back I could have played it differently,
Won a few more moments who can tell,
But it took time to understand men,
Now at least I know,
I know him well,

Wasn't it good,
Oh so good,
Wasn't he fine,
Oh so fine,
Isn't madness he can't be mine,
But in the end he needs a little bit more than me,
More, security,
He needs fantasy and freedom,
I know him so well,

No one in your life is with you constantly,
No one is completely on your side,
And though I'd move my world to be with him,
Still the gap between us is too wide,

Looking back I could have played differently,
Won a few more moments who can tell,
I was just a little girl
But I was ever so much younger then,
Now at least I know,
I know him well.

Wasn't it good,
Oh so good,
Wasn't he fine,
Oh so fine,
Isn't madness he won't be mine,
Didn't I know,
How it would go,
If I knew from the start,
Why am I falling apart?

Wasn't he good,
Wasn't he fine,
Isn't it madness he won't be mine,
But in the end he needs a little bit more than me,
More, security,
He needs his fantasy and freedom,
It took time to understand men,
I know him so well.

Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead

I heard, that your settled down.
That you, found a girl and your married now.
I heard that your dreams came true.
Guess she gave you things, I didn't give to you.

Old friend, why are you so shy?
Ain't like you to hold it back or hide from the light.

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited.
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I'd hoped you'd see my face & that you'd be reminded,
That for me, it isn't over.

Nevermind, I'll find someone like you.
I wish nothing but the best, for you too.
Don't forget me, I beg, I remember you said:-
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead"

You'd know, how the time flies.
Only yesterday, was the time of our lives.
We were born and raised in a summer haze.
Bound by the surprise of our glory days.

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited,
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I'd hoped you'd see my face & that you'd be reminded,
That for me, it isn't over.

Nevermind, I'll find someone like you.
I wish nothing but the best for you too.
Don't forget me, I beg, I remember you say:-
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead"
 

Nothing compares, no worries or cares.
Regret's and mistakes they're memories made.
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

Nevermind, I'll find someone like you.
I wish nothing but the best for you.
Don't forget me, I beg, I remember you said:-
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead"

You broke my world, made me strong, thankyou

The fights, those nights
I tried to pretend it don't hurt
The way, I prayed
Someday that you would love me
Really, completely
Just how I wanted it to be
But no, so wrong
Can't believe I stayed with you so long

You hit, you spit, you split, ever-y bit of me, yeah
You stole, you broke, you're cold
You're such a joke to me, yeah

For every last bruise you gave me
For every time I sat in tears
For the million ways you hurt me
I just wanna tell you this
You broke my world, made me strong
Thank you
Messed up my dreams, made me strong
Thank you

My head, near dead
Just the way you wanted it
My soul, stone cold
Cos I was under you're control
So young, so dumb
Knew just how to make me succumb
But I understand
To make yourself feel like a man

You hit, you spit, you split, ever-y bit of me, yeah
You stole, you broke, you're cold
You're such a joke to me, yeah

For every last bruise you gave me
For every time I sat in tears
For the million ways you hurt me
I just wanna tell you this
You broke my world, made me strong
Thank you
Messed up my dreams, made me strong
Thank you

You coulda had it all babe
It coulda been so right
I woulda given you everything
Morning through night
you taught me some lessons
Those are my blessings
That won't happen again
Thank you

Fly

In a moment, everything can change,
Feel the wind on your shoulder,
For a minute, all the world can wait,
Let go of your yesterday.

Can you hear it calling?
Can you feel it in your soul?
Can you trust this longing?
And take control,

Fly
Open up the part of you that wants to hide away
You can shine,
Forget about the reasons why you can't in life,
And start to try, cause it's your time,
Time to fly.

All your worries, leave them somewhere else,
Find a dream you can follow,
Reach for something, when there's nothing left,
And the world's feeling hollow.

Can you hear it calling?
Can you feel it in your soul?
Can you trust this longing?
And take control,

Fly
Open up the part of you that wants to hide away
You can shine,
Forget about the reasons why you can't in life,
And start to try, cause it's your time,
Time to fly.

And when you're down and feel alone,
Just want to run away,
Trust yourself and don't give up,
You know you better than anyone else,

In a moment, everything can change,
Feel the wind on your shoulder,
For a minute, all the world can wait,
Let go of yesterday,

Fly
Open up the part of you that wants to hide away
You can shine,
Forget about the reasons why you can't in life,
And start to try,

In a moment, everything can change.

John 14:1

'Jesus said, 'Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, trust also in me'.

Scarred for Life

So my illness has left me with emotional scars (in a sense) as I have felt and known the deepest sadness and loneliness and isolation, I have been scared and afraid and in despair. But I don't see these things as emotional scars, because I have pullled through them, become stronger and they build up who I am and I am not afraid of them. And now and again the wound bleeds again and I don't think this will ever leave me.
But I also have physical scars. The first is my medical records, they will always stay with me so I will always have records of my illness. But also my hospital visit, and these can't be erased.
And then there are the physical scars which I see everyday and are visible to others. I used to be ashamed of the scars and looked for treatment to get rid of them. They were a constant reminder of my illness, my sadness, my despair. And I would have done anything to get rid of them. But at some point over the years my attitude changed. I was no longer ashamed of them. I didn't want to show them off either. People are uncomfortable when they realise what my scars are and when they see them they know instantly. And they don't like to talk about them or ask about them. Which I understand. But now when I see them I don't feel ashamed. I feel pride. They are a sign of my past. The fact they are so faded shows that I'm not that person anymore. And I'm stronger now. And they show just how far I have come.

If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best

I'm damaged goods, I have a past, which hasn't just disappeared into thin air and to be fair is still with me in many ways.
So I guess I must wait for someone who will take all of who I am and accept me to let them in. But I thought I had found that and then was mistaken.
My past scares people. I'm too complicated. I guess I only deserve those who can look past my brokenness and wait for someone who makes me whole.
I may be waiting a longggg time then!

Everything Happens for a Reason

This is one of my strongest beliefs in life.
My life was planned out long before I was born and everything that happens is part of God's plan. And he wouldn't do anything for no reason, the challenege is to find the reason.
For example:
Many criticise those who have faith saying 'If there was a God, why would he let there be poverty and natural disasters etc'. My answer is simple - God is calling us to reach out to those in need. He is calling us to respond to his messages in the gospels by getting active, actively doing something to help others. Being a practicising Catholic. And many centre their life around these causes, such as those who work for charities like CAFOD. We also should take something to learn from these things, for there is ALWAYS something to learn. The best example is 9/11, a tragedy which shook the world. But what have we learnt - we have learnt to be aware of the evil among us, we have increased our security and protection, measures that have only been implemented because of this event and look how we have benefited. I understand that obviously it would have been nice if it hadn't happened at all, but people who say that are looking for a perfect world and we don't live in one. God sets us a challenge for a reason.
My other example would be when someone dies. And people are struck with grief and question why. Even this I would consider happens for a reason. When my Grandad died unexpectantly, a fit and healthy man who had many years in him yet, we couldn't understand why this had happened. But his death brought me and nan closer together. Before he died, me and my nan didn't get on. But we found love and strength in one another that we didn't know was there and that is so valuable. No it does not mean I wouldn't have my Grandad back if I could, but I can't change it and I can't have him back. So instead I have to take the positive out of it. I was also young at the time and it was the first experience I ever had of losing a family member who was so close to me. And this built my strength. I also saw how it brought my family closer together. And I realised how lucky I was to have such a great family.
So I hold onto the belief that everything happens for a reason. And this gives me great strength and faith. And I'm lucky to have this.

R.I.P. Chris, Aunty K, Grandad, Grandpa, Uncle John

Always you will be part of me
And I will forever feel your strength
When I need it most
You’re gone now, gone but not forgotten
I can’t say this to your face
But I know you hear
 

I’ll see you again
You never really left
I feel you walk beside me
I know I’ll see you again
When I’m lost, when I’m missing you like crazy
I tell myself I’m so blessed
To have had you in my life, my life
 

When I had the time to tell you
Never thought I’d live to see the day
When the words I should have said
Would come to haunt me
In my darkest hour I tell myself
I’ll see you again
 

I will see you again
I’ll see you again
I miss you like crazy
You’re gone but not forgotten
I’ll never forget you
Someday I’ll see you again
I feel you walk beside me
Never leave you, 

Gone but not forgotten
I feel you by my side
No this is not goodbye 

Change

This time last year I was the happiest I had been for five years. I was finally stable and it took me a while to realise because I had forgotten what it was like. It wasn't until the doctor said it that I started to believe it.
But I don't feel that same stability. What has changed?
Well everything I guess. I came out of college having achieved 4 really good A levels, something I never thought I would achieve. I left my family, my friends and everything that was familiar to move to London. I was thrown into big city life, community living and working life where everything and everyone who were my strength was stripped away from me.
The novelty was there for a while but it became reality and I experienced my illness in a new setting, new life, very very different to what it was before. Everything that I used to cope and deal with my illness has changed because life was suddenly very different. And this has been a struggle, a climb, a battle and a learning curve. I have had to find new coping strategies. I was blinded by the excitement of London to face up to how difficult it was going to be. Community living is tough. London is lonely and isolating. I love my job but work can tire me out.
I love it and have accepted the challenge with grace and wouldn't change it for the world. I have learnt so much and still am. I have come so far, even if at times it has felt that I have taken a million steps back. I remember what I used to be like and see I am very little of that person now. Although it feels sometimes I am going back to my old ways I realise its not my old ways. Its different ways. And this is not nearly as bad as I once were
Many can't believe how well I have coped and are proud of how I have coped and stuck with it. And I am proud of me too.
As I always say, baby steps.And each is as significatn as the last and the next. And I cannot turn down a challenge. And I never give up.