It's May already!!

And I struggle to identify what I have achieved.

I'm still unemployed, but managing to keep hold of my flat. And yes it's stressful. In my last post at the start of the year I said that I was coping well, almost enjoying having normal worries. And all in all this is still true. Being unemployed is very tough, but part of life. I have worked with young people who are unemployed a lot in my past, and of course have had sympathy for their situation. Unfortunately a lot of people who are unemployed find themselves in that position through no fault of their own, like myself. The system in place to help us can also destroy us. It's frustrating. I feel like the government now own me. They certainly don't trust me. And staff are not always helpful. Yes we are lucky to have a benefits system, but due to the minority who set out to cheat the system, it is a complicated system where you are constantly checked for cheating it.
I have applied for at least 300 jobs since becoming unemployed, yet I still don't have a job. So how am I so unemployable?? What is wrong with me? That's tough. Very tough. The constant knock backs or lack of reply at all make it so difficult to keep trying. I now see how people get stuck and become depressed. It's very difficult.
Yet I haven't sunk back into a depression. Much to everyone's surprise, including my own. I have had the odd bad day, or bad period, life has felt very unstable, and that can sometimes become too much to bare. Yes if I didn't have the flat to pay for it wouldn't be a problem. But if I lost the flat I think I would feel I had lost everything. So not an option.
Today for example, woke up, got a bit of a cold but could not face the job centre today, not at all. Punishment for my illness? They want proof I'm ill. Now I feel stupid saying my illness is a cold, feeling low. But I wasn't leaving bed today. And I haven't. It's been nearly 6 months. It's hard not to want to fall apart.
What's keeping me going then?
Well firstly, I have two interviews next week and potential agency work. In a week, this may all be over. I'm trying not to get my hopes up but it's steps in the right direction.
Secondly, I have a boyfriend. Someone I really have fallen for very fast, Ali. He's gorgeous, inside and out, he has the biggest heart and he makes me smile. He's become a stability in my life, and something to smile about. And when things are really a struggle, it's nice to have someone there.

And that's the funny thing about depression. I don't suffer when I can identify what's making me feel low or upset. I suffer when I want to fall apart for no reason whatsoever. It defies logic.

2013....

So it's been a while since I've written on here. Why? I guess for two reasons:
1) life has been busy, getting myself back on my feet, starting anew - it can be exhausting stuff! I''ve now got my own flat and have normal worries like how am I going to pay the bills? and running out of milk! I'm getting involved with youth ministry in the archdiocese and other churchy stuff, which I'm loving. I've started my youth work degree- very exciting! I do it all in my own time through the Open University, and I'm really enjoying it. Work wise I'm doing bits and bobs to pay the bills. For someone who said I would never do a mundane 9-5 job to pay the bills, right now that is exactly what I'm looking for. And I don't mind. Because it's life. Normal life. That's what you have to do sometimes to get by. And I'm not worried that I'm going through this phase in life, normality, normal problems, being a normal 21 year old. If anything it's quite nice. And somehow, although I'm unemployed and struggling to pay the rent, searching for whatever job I can get, I feel the most stable in life I have ever felt. Don't get me wrong, it's stressful, but it's normal stress that everyone has to face in life. And so I strangely feel stable. It's a nice feeling.
2) I don't need this blog as much as I used to. For the very reason that I feel stable. I created this blog for a few reasons - I wanted to document my life. I still do, but it's not as interesting now! I wanted somewhere to vent, to express thoughts and feelings. I still do, but I don't need to vent as often. I want to write a book one day. I still do I guess, but I may never find the time!

I met up with a friend who I know through YCW. He has known me since I was 17. We lived together in my first year in London. He was in complete shock at how well I was doing. This is the best place I've been in in years, if ever. I don't want to jinx it, or get too excited. I know there will still be really tough days, I'm certain I will be on medication for the rest of my life and depression may once again encompass me one day. But for now, things are good. When I look back at the year I have had, I have complete faith that no matter how tough things get, I will get through somehow, because you have to.

I look back at what I wrote on here a year ago. Full of hope, excitement and joy for what 2012 had in store. Oh how differently it turned out. And now I know, I have to take each day as it comes. We can plan ahead, but plans don't always work out how we think. When I was 15 I said that by this age I'd be graduating from university in the summer with a degree in social work and a social work job lined up. And look at where I am. And that's how I know and believe so strongly that it's all in God's hands, he will make the plan, He has made the plan, long before I was conceived. Where will I be in 6 months time? Not a clue! I'd love to be diocesan youth officer for Cardiff Archdiocese. But who knows? But I don't mind not knowing the exact details anymore.

I always think I'm so mature, grounded and know so much about life, myself and my illness. I always think I can't get any stronger or wiser. What I now know is that infact I am growing and learning more and more each day. I'm sure life will throw more and more challenges at me as life continues, because that's what life is about. And I will only grow in strength, maturity and wisdom.

And I'm only 21. Still so young.

So all in all. I'm excited!