Friday 23 December 2011

The world of change

So many charities are appealing for us to help people in 3rd world countries, those who desperately need clean water, food and education. They do such amazing work and are making a real difference and they are going to need support continually to ensure they can continue to make a difference in those countries.

I completely support this work. I also believe that there needs to be a bigger push to look closer to home. There are so many in the uk living in poverty. They don't have safe shelter or enough food and are not getting education. They need our help also. And I truly believe that it would be effective to put an emphasis on those closest to home who need our help which will lead to being able to feel as passionate about those who need help around the world. We give money but are so disconnected from the reality we are trying to change. Working in our own realities first may enable us to feel more connected to the realities we are trying to change around the world.

For me, that's where YCW comes in. A movement working to make a difference in our own lives and immediate realities whilst also being passionate about making a difference in other people's realities.

Thursday 22 December 2011

different worlds....

I've always been the most mature of my friends, this has never bothered me or been an issue. Our realities were so similar and although I was mature beyond my years I still lived as a teenager to some extent. So the difference was hardly noticeable.

When people ask me why I don't want to go to uni I answer that I simply don't want that life. I do not want the lifestyle of a 20 year old student. Never really have although a year in full time work most probably affirmed that feeling! And I don't feel I'm missing out at all, I know I would hate it. I don't envy all my friends in uni, I love listening to their
drAma! Yes sometimes I want to knock sense into them but its all part of the fun.

I'm mature beyond my years but I'm still like doing what 20 year olds do, just in moderation and with a bit more dignity. I don't consider myself higher or better than my friends, as long as they are safe and happy, I'm happy.
But our realities are so so different and the one thing that is tough is that I can't share their reality. I have never felt so far away from them, so out of touch. They don't understand my life so don't get involved in it and due to my reality there is only so far I can get involved with theirs. That's hard.

Thursday 15 December 2011

Stations of the Cross

When I told my spiritual director this, she told me I was blessed, I had never thought of it as a spiritual experience and certainly wouldn't have called myself blessed. But I guess I really am very lucky to know my God this way.

Years ago, I realised that we all have a cross to bare in life. Just like Jesus did. It was then that I realised, depression was my cross to bare.
I was in Lourdes, doing the high stations with a group of young people. I chose to do it in silence, tried not to communicate much with everyone around me. I was lost in my own world.
At each station, I was able to relate to the event. An event that we hear about all the time, the stations, the journey Jesus took that we reflect on and remember each year, suddenly became very relevant to me.

Jesus is condemned to death and given his cross- I remember the day I was diagnosed, although it is a blur. But it came as no surprise. We knew too well that all the signs were pointing to depression, just needed a doctor to conclude from my assessment that it was official.
Jesus begins the walk, on which he falls three times - He feels it impossible to get up and carry on. However, somehow He does manage it because He is given the strength of the Lord and knows He must continue. Funnily enough, I fall too, but somehow carry on, much to my surprise.
The women of Jerusalem cry for Jesus- my family and friends, those who care for me had to stand by and watch me suffer. They try to help but can't always. I know it is tough for them.
Simon of Cyrene helps Jesus carry his cross - There are many who help me carry my cross, even though, like Jesus, I carry most of the weight as although I should not carry it alone, it is my cross, not theirs
Veronica wipes the face of Jesus- A small action that means so much, shows she cares. These are so important in the toughest of times.
Jesus meets his mother- My mum has seen me at my weakest. She weeps for me but shows her love. This means more than she knows.
Jesus is stripped of his garments - For me, this reminds me of the time when I have felt like I have lost so much dignity through my illness. The times when I have had no control over my actions and been exposed, my weakness has been exposed.
Jesus' nailing to the cross and his death- Obviously tough to relate these. But what I took from this is that I know that there is a place in heaven for me with the Lord. I also know that through my illness, I am becoming stronger. I also relate to this as the point where Jesus gave himself completely to the Lord. I have had that experience, where I have stopped trying to fight, and have had to put complete trust and faith in the Lord. I have had times like Jesus did in the garden of gethsemane where he asked for the Lord to save him from the cross that awaitened him.

And when I finished the stations I felt incredibly close to the Lord and to my faith.

I count myself lucky (I'm not sure about the word blessed!) to have had this experience.

Love me, that's all I ask of you

No more talk of darkness
Forget these wide-eyed fears
I'm here, nothing can harm you
My words will warm and calm you

Let me be your freedom
Let daylight dry your tears
I'm here, with you, beside you
To guard you and to guide you

Say you'll love me every waking moment
Turn my head with talk of summer time
Say you need me with you now and always
Promise me that all you say is true
That's all I ask of you

Let me be your shelter
Let me be your light
You're safe, no one will find you
Your fears are far behind you

All I want is freedom
A world with no more night
And you, always beside me
To hold me and to hide me

Then say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime
Let me lead you from your solitude
Say you need me with you here, beside you
Anywhere you go, let me go too
Christine, that's all I ask of you

Say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime
Say the word and I will follow you

Share each day with me, each night, each morningSay you love meYou know I do

Love me, that's all I ask of you.

Anywhere you go, let me go too
Love me, that's all I ask of you

My heart cannot be kindled without you

A stunning song from the stunning film, A Little Princess

As the moon kindles the night 
As the wind kindles the fire 
As the rain fills every ocean 
And the Sun the Earth 
So your heart will kindle my heart 

Take my heart 
Take my heart 
Kindle it with your heart 
And my heart cannot be 
Kindled without you 
Your heart will kindle my heart

Wednesday 14 December 2011

Silence

Last weekend I went on retreat and we were asked if we struggled to with silence. My instant answer was yes. I hate silence. I hate stillness. I have to be surrounded by activity, watching tv or listening to music. Even though I love time to myself, it is hardly ever in silence. Back in May I did a 24 hour silence for charity... the blog post I wrote is on here. I haven't had much silence since.

I saw my spiritual director today. She spoke to me about my busy life being the reason I may feel distant from God. 'Nothing in creation is so like God as stillness' - Meister Eckhard. My retreat leader, Fr Damien, told me that when I am silent, it is then I will hear God.
Edwina Gatelely wrote a psalm called 'Let your God Love You':
'Be silent.
Be still.
Alone.
Empty
Before your God.
Say nothing.
Ask nothing.
Be silent.
Be still.

Let your God
Look upon you.
That is all.
God knows
God understands.
God loves you
With an enormous love.
And only wants
To look upon you
With that love.
Quiet.
Still.
Be.

Let your God- Love you'

Wisdom 18:14
'When peaceful silence lay over all
and the night had run half its course,
Down from the heavens,
from the royal throne,
Leapt your almighty Word.
Into the heart of a troubled world.'

Such a powerful image. As it is Advent, I hope that I will find time for silence.

All I need is time

You tell me, you're in love with me
Like you can't take your pretty eyes away from me
It's not that I don't want to stay
But every time you come too close, I move away
I wanna believe in everything that you say
'Cause it sounds so good
But if you really want me, move slow
There's things about me, you just have to know

Sometimes I run
Sometimes I hide
Sometimes I'm scared of you
But all I really want is to hold you tight
Treat you right, be with you day and night
Baby, all I need is time

I don't wanna be so shy
Every time that I'm alone, I wonder why
Hope that you will wait for me
You'll see that you're the only one for me
I wanna believe in everything that you say
'Cause it sounds so good
But if you really want me, move slow
There's things about me, you just have to know

Sometimes I run
Sometimes, sometimes I hide
Sometimes I'm scared of you
But all I really want is to hold you tight
Treat you right, be with you day and night
All I really want is to hold you tight
Treat you right, be with you day and night
Baby, all I need is time

Come, just hang around and you'll see
There's nowhere I'd rather be
If you love me, trust in me
The way that I trust in you

Sometimes I run
Sometimes I hide
Sometimes I'm scared of you
All I really want is to hold you tight
Treat you right, be with you day and night
All I really want is to hold you tight
Be with you day and night

I've got all I need to feel like I'm a star

From the musical Sister Act, reminds me that as long as I have my girls, and indeed my sister, there is no more that I need


I don’t need a spotlight,
I don’t need a crowd,
I don’t need the great wide world
to shout my name out loud.
Don’t need fame or fortune,
nice as those things are,
I’ve got all I need
to feel like I’m a star.

I’ve got my sisters by my side.
I’ve got my sisters' love and pride.
And in my sisters' eyes
I recognize the star I want to be.

And with my sisters standing strong,
I’m on the stage where I belong.
And nothing’s ever gonna change that fact.
I’m part of one terrific sister act.

And yes, I love that spotlight!
Yes I crave acclaim!
I’ll admit I love the sound
when strangers scream my name.
All that glitz and glamour,
they’re all right no doubt.
But what are you left with
when the lights go out?

I’ll have my sisters with me still,
I’ll have my sisters, always will.
And with my sisters' love,
no star above will shine as
bright as me.

And as a sister and a friend,
I’ll be a sister ‘til the end,
and no one on this earth can
change that fact -
I’m part of one terrific sister act.

If you ever find a moment, spare a thought for me

Think of me, think of me fondly,
when we've said goodbye.
Remember me once in a while -
please promise me you'll try.
When you find that, once again, you long
to take your heart back and be free -
if you ever find a moment,
spare a thought for me

We never said our love was evergreen,
or as unchanging as the sea -
but if you can still remember
stop and think of me . . .

Think of all the things
we've shared and seen -
don't think about the way things
might have been . . .

Think of me, think of me waking,
silent and resigned.
Imagine me, trying too hard
to put you from my mind.
Recall those days
look back on all those times,
think of the things we'll never do -
there will never be a day,
when I won't think of you . . .
Flowers fades,
The fruits of summer fade,
They have their seasons, so do we
but please promise me, that sometimes
you will think of me!

Sunday 11 December 2011

The journey isn't over yet....

I went on retreat this weekend. I haven't been on retreat for a year and more to the point, I haven't had a break for what feels like longer!
It was amazing. The people were lovely and so kind and we were all so close and laughed so much. I really enjoyed myself and was gutted to say goodbye.
On friday night we went to the beach and all chose a rock. The rock was to journey through the weekend with us and today at mass we were asked to leave it behind. As I was preparing to leave my rock behind I remembered my stone. The heart stone that I bought in Lourdes a year and a half ago. I bought it because I thought it was pretty yet soon it became something I could no longer go through the day without. It lives in my bra and reminds me that Mary and God are watching over me and that I am loved and protected.
I have had many ups and downs over the last year and a half and my life has changed dramatically. I took it in my hands today and considered leaving it behind with my rock. Why? Because I wanted a new start, free of my past, free of the baggage. I wanted a new journey to begin. Also because I'm considering working at the place where the retreat was and currently trying to make the decision to whether I should stay at YCW another year or go. If I left my heart there, maybe it was a sign that its where I should be.
I then remembered May 1st 2010, the day I was commissioned to work for YCW. I sat in mass and held the stone so tightly, I wouldn't let go. I was nervous and it was protecting me. And I haven't let go since, and that's when I realised. My journey is not over yet. My journey with YCW is still going and me and my stone started it together and will finish it together (I know it sounds rediculous!).
And I think I knew this. I want to work out what I want to do next year and part of me thought this would have been an easy way to do it.
The journey continues....