Life is full of challenges, being happy shouldn't be one of them

More quotes from the Notebook:

Take the first step, you don't have to see the whole staircase, just the first step

The worst part about being lied to is knowing you weren't worth the truth at all to that person

The greatest glory in living is not never falling but in rising every time we fall

I'm proud of my heart. It's been played, stabbed, cheated, burned and broken but it still works!

Everytime you smile at someone it is an action of love, a beautiful thing

The Notebook of Love

I started following this on twitter after seeing some good quotes. Turns out it is a blog, which is ok but it's the quotes that go on twitter which I love! I can't keep track of how many I have retweeted! In love with them right now, below are some:

If you turn your back on me now, don't ever come back

I hate the fact we weren't even together, yet you still managed to hurt me (!!!!)

Don't judge me by my past, I don't live there anymore

Don't depend on anyone too much in this world because even your own shadow leaves you when you are in darkness

Swallow your tears and hide your frown, don't let life bring you down

You're not worth the tears I cry, sometimes you're not even worth the try

There's nothing I want more than happiness in my life, the only person that can hold me back is myself

It shouldn't take for someone to almost slip away for you to start appreciating them

Sometimes the toughest people are the one's hurting the most

Be careful, the one's that make you smile are also the ones who can shatter your heart

Everyone you meet comes with baggage. Find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack

You had my heart inside of your hands and you played it to the beat

			There's a fire starting in my heart, Reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark, Finally, I can see you crystal clear, Go ahead and sell me out and a I'll lay your shit bare, See how I'll leave with every piece of you, Don't underestimate the things that I will do, There's a fire starting in my heart, Reaching a fever pitch and it's bring me out the dark, The scars of your love remind me of us, They keep me thinking that we almost had it all, The scars of your love, they leave me breathless, I can't help feeling, We could have had it all, (You're gonna wish you never had met me), Rolling in the deep, (Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep), You had my heart inside of your hand, (You're gonna wish you never had met me), And you played it to the beat, (Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep), Baby, I have no story to be told, But I've heard one on you and I'm gonna make your head burn, Think of me in the depths of your despair, Make a home down there as mine sure won't be shared, The scars of your love remind me of us, They keep me thinking that we almost had it all, The scars of your love, they leave me breathless, I can't help feeling, We could have had it all, (You're gonna wish you never had met me), Rolling in the deep, (Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep), You had my heart inside of your hands, (You're gonna wish you never had met me), And you played it to the beat, (Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep), Could have had it all, Rolling in the deep, You had my heart inside of your hands, But you played it with a beating, Throw your soul through every open door, Count your blessings to find what you look for, Turn my sorrow into treasured gold, You'll pay me back in kind and reap just what you've sown, We could have had it all, (You're gonna wish you never had met me), Rolling in the deep, (Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep), You had my heart inside of your hands, (You're gonna wish you never had met me), And you played it to the beat, (Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep), But you played it, You played it, You played it, You played it to the beat.

Don't let the silence do the talking

I have just completed my 24 hours of silence for Million Minutes. I have raised a total of £180 (without gift aid) so far.

So I started my silence finding things to do – dye my hair, paint my nails, update my blog, download some music, sleep, clean the house. And then I needed to find the peace and I feared this may be difficult. But I was looking forward to the silence because I needed time, time to sort my head out, to find my inner peace, to organise my thoughts and spend time in prayer. 

Observation – I am constantly updating twitter and facebook, regularly checking my newsfeeds, texting all the time, constant communication. Having a smart phone means there is no real cut off, I can receive my emails on the move, update twitter and facebook on the go. Yet in my silence, I loved being cut off and didn’t feel like I was missing out on something or wonder ‘what’s the world doing now?’ Yet I don’t think I will come out of this being less addicted to twitter or facebook, but it has opened my eyes to how much I rely on and use it. Many debate about this generation of young people who are constantly communicating and about the dangers and positives to this. I agree that because of the ability to constantly communicate you don’t find the time for silence, stillness, peace. But as a user of communication constantly, I also can see the benefits. I agree, people don’t talk enough anymore. I haven’t had a full conversation with my brother in months but I feel connected to him through facebook. My nan doesn’t understand this. And it is wrong. What I might take out of this is realising the importance of having connection with people through conversation and meeting, not just relying on networking sites to keep updated.

Even when I was doing a lot in silence(dying my hair, painting my nails etc) this was important time for me, no one else, just me. Time I don’t get often. No texts to reply to, or emails or facebook or twitter meant it was just me, myself and I. Important time that I don’t get. Especially living in London, a busy place where everyone is constantly on the go, it is important to find time for me. 

I thought time would stand still in silence. But it didn’t at all, even when I was not doing a lot. And before I knew it my 24 hours were over. I couldn’t believe it, I wanted it to carry on and on, I wouldn’t have broken the silence if I didn’t have to. But then I remembered, I don’t need to be sponsored to do it or be doing it for a reason to find that time of silence, peace and stillness. And that actually I should find time for it as often as possible in my everyday life as it is amazing how powerful it is.

By My Side

From the musical Godspell this is one of my fave songs and I think the lyrics are just beautiful.

Where are you going?
Where are you going?
Can you take me with you?
For my hand is cold
And needs warmth
Where are you going?

Far beyond where the horizon lies
Where the horizon lies
And the land sinks into mellow blueness

Oh please, take me with you
Let me skip the road with you
I can dare myself
I'll put a pebble in my shoe
And watch me walk
I can walk

I shall call the pebble Dare
We will walk, we will talk together
We will talk
About walking
Dare shall be carried
And when we both have had enough
I will take him from my shoe, singing
"Meet your new road!"

Then I'll take your hand
Finally glad

Finally glad
That you are here
By my side (By my side)

The Holy Spirit at Work

I met a Deacon in Lourdes who reminded me of the importance of looking back and reflecting as it is then you see the Holy Spirit at work. I did this and this is what I realised, and I don't believe it is just coincidence.
On Maundy Thursday I went to night prayer at my parish. I had just been sent home from work early as I was under stress and wasn't very well and had lost a lot of strength. I had a rubbish Lent and felt further from God than ever. Before prayer started I had time in front of the Blessed Sacrament. I had a really good pray and was feeling strong again. I felt close to God once more and this filled me with great joy. Then I looked at night prayer and the psalm was my favourite of all time: Eagles Wings :

You who dwell in the shelter of the Lord,
Who abide in His shadow for life,
Say to the Lord, "My Refuge,
My Rock in Whom I trust."

And He will raise you up on eagle's wings,
Bear you on the breath of dawn,
Make you to shine like the sun,
And hold you in the palm of His Hand.

The snare of the fowler will never capture you,
And famine will bring you no fear;
Under His Wings your refuge,
His faithfulness your shield.

And He will raise you up on eagle's wings,
Bear you on the breath of dawn,
Make you to shine like the sun,
And hold you in the palm of His Hand.

You need not fear the terror of the night,
Nor the arrow that flies by day,
Though thousands fall about you,
Near you it shall not come.

And He will raise you up on eagle's wings,
Bear you on the breath of dawn,
Make you to shine like the sun,
And hold you in the palm of His Hand.

For to His angels He's given a command,
To guard you in all of your ways,
Upon their hands they will bear you up,
Lest you dash your foot against a stone.

And He will raise you up on eagle's wings,
Bear you on the breath of dawn,
Make you to shine like the sun,
And hold you in the palm of His Hand.


This is one of my favourites as it's beautiful to play on the flute and we used to play it a lot when I was in the music group at church, also because it was a great friend's favourite and she was the first person who was very close to me and who had passed away and she had this sung at her funeral but also because it gives me great strength as a hymn and reminds me of the strength I can take from God.


Anyway so this was said as the psalm and I suddenly felt healed and renewed, it was a beautiful moment. I felt close to God once again and I felt strong enough to go to Lourdes.
Then I went to Lourdes and Eagles Wings was sang at every single mass. I couldn't believe it. And each time it was sang I was reminded of my strength and it was renewed even more, taking me through the week. This was indeed the Holy Spirit, very actively at work in my life, I believe.

Lourdes

So Lourdes is the most important place in my life, my favourite place in the world. For the last 3 years I have travelled there twice a year, and when I go in the summer it will be my 8th trip. But why?

In year 9 at high school we had to learn about Lourdes. To help our understanding my RE teacher showed us a video made by HCPT about their annual Easter pilgrimage. Watching the video changed my life. I was hooked on the place, the pilgrimage, the experience all portrayed in that video.
I spoke to my teacher after class about wanting to go. He directed me to the HCPT and Heath Hospital Lourdes Group websites. I went home that night and looked them up. I found on HHLG's site an application form for wanting to go. I knew that for both HCPT and HHLG the idea was to take disabled children and I didn't see myself more deserving of a place than those children, but I felt I could fit into the category and part of me believed I would get as much out of the experience as them although in a very different way. So I filled in the application form for HHLG, not at all sure what the outcome would be. I then mentioned my desire to go to my head of year in school.
A couple of weeks later I had taken the day off school cos I was having a bad day and my head of year rang my house. I thought I was in trouble for not going in yet again. But my mum came in to tell me that my head of year had managed to arrange for me to travel with HCPT Cardiff group 105 that Easter as a child. I cried with happiness, I couldn't believe it, a dream come true.
So I travelled to Lourdes for the first time at the age of 14 in 2006. Before I went my greatest fear was I would get home sick whilst out there. I had suffered from home sickness all my life, preventing me from going on school trips, going to sleepovers etc. Otherwise I was filled with excitement. Whilst out there I was hooked on the place, the atmosphere, the family feel of the group and the beautiful children. And I did get as much out of it as the other children there. I didn't feel home sick once, and was cured of my home sickness and havent experienced it since.
At the time that I went to Lourdes I was very ill with my depression, at a real low point and was hanging round with the wrong people. I don't blame them but they couldn't give me the strength and support I needed from my friends, which looking back is completely fair enough at the age of 14, bless them they must have found it incredibly tough. But we were a small, isolated group of friends and we weren't the happiest of people. My parents knew that I needed to move away from them as friends as it was a bad position to be in but they were not going to tell me to do it, they wanted me to realise it myself. I knew deep in my heart it was what I needed to do but I wasn't brave enough and was so scared of then being alone. I went to Lourdes and during the week there I found a great strength. My faith was renewed and reborn. And I found the strength there to come home and break away from the group of friends. It was hard at first, spent lunch times in the library alone, crying, it was horrible. But I knew I had made the right decision. And sure enough, after a week, Hannah, someone who was in my class but who I never really spoke to came over and said she had noticed I was alone and invited me to join her crowd for lunch. Her crowd was a very large group, possibly the largest friendship group in the year, people made fun of them but through envy, but none of them cared, they were all so happy and easy going, all the time. And they welcomed me with open arms. And after just months of hanging around with them I had a group of best friends, a large and varied group who kept me smiling and gave me great strength. And after nearly 2 years of depression I was stable for 3 months, the most amazing feeling in the world.
People believe miracles happen in Lourdes, one of the reasons disabled children are taken there. But many haven't actually experienced it and there are few reported cases. But when people think of those miracles, they are thinking of those who cannot walk being able to walk again etc. But I believe I am a miracle of Lourdes. To find the strength to make a huge decision that led to my illness becoming stable, even if only temporarily, is a miracle.
And so it holds an incredibly special place in my heart and I continue to travel with HCPT group 105, giving to the group back what they gave me as well as ensuring that many children can have the experience I did and take something away from it. We take children who are disabled and need round the clock care. They are in our care 24 hours a day for a week and as helpers we become their primary carers for a week. The children stay in the hotel with us and are given a holiday like any other child would have. 5000 other people join HCPT annualy for their pilgrimage. The week is filled with mass, but mass like I have never seen before, where everyone is singing and playing instruments, children are not silenced and there is great fun and joy, days out, trips, singing, cafe breaks, parties. The children take so much from it, even if they can't talk you knnow they are enjoying themselves as they are constantly smiling. It makes you realise how lucky you are as these children make no fuss, they don't complain, they are just happy. You have to give a lot as a helper, a week of your life, money, you give up having time to yourself or getting much sleep. But the children give you so much back that it is completely worth it.
When the opportunity came up in college to travel with the Welsh National Pilgrimage, I wanted to go to see what the difference was to HCPT, and any excuse to go back to Lourdes. Young people from Wales travel out and help elderly and sick of all ages who travel with the pilgrimage and who stay in the hospital in Lourdes. So some huge differences - firstly, your not 24 hour carers, you have shifts. Secondly, the amount of care the pilgrims require is a lot less in comparison to the children. Thirdly it is less concentrated care as there are 80 or so young people and 20 odd pilgrims. So at night, you drink and sing in the bars. The level of alcohol is a lot more than with HCPT as you can't drink much as you have children to be responsible for. And I am with young people who are friends and my own age, so a very different experience. You can't really compare as they are so different. If I had to choose it would be HCPT without a hesitation. But I do enjoy Welsh National as it will be my 3rd year with them this year. But wheras with HCPT I hope to travel every year forever and become group leader one day, this will most probably be my last time with Welsh National.
I get so much out of Lourdes. I cut myself off from the world and can live in my own little happy bubble which isn't really reality. My faith is renewed and strengthened and emotions run high in Lourdes for everyone. Not just those with faith, but those who don't believe are touched and take something from being in Lourdes. Some find faith, others find strength and many have a desire to return. It is not for everyone but many can't help but love it.

New quotes - cos you know I love them!

'I know God won't give me anything I can't handle, but I wish he wouldn't trust me so much' - Mother Theresa.
I love this quote and with Mother Theresa being someone I really inspire to be like and my role model, it means even more. The idea that you know God will push you to your limits, but he won't ever give you a challenge that is impossible, and nothing is impossible. But so many times have I felt that He's really been pushing me and leaving me doubtful that I can manage it. And I do just think, why do you trust that I can do this? Cos I don't believe I can. But it is at this stage that I realise that I must trust I can do it, or God wouldn't put me in the position. And if I decide to give up, I havent made that decision, that decision was made for me, God just put the power in my head to make it. And this is how I learn my limits. Isn't He just an amazing man?!

'What God intended for you goes way further than you can ever imagine' - Oprah
Beautiful quote that affirms my belief that my life is in God's hands, it was planned long before I was born and who knows what He has planned for me? This is an exciting way to look at life.If scary at times also! The hardest thing I find is when I have to make decisions and hoping that the decision I make is what God intended. For example, when I was offered the job at YCW, one of the biggest things stopping me and my greatest fear was 'what if this wasn't part of God's plan?' Even more so because I believe my desire to be a social worker at such a young age was an intention of God's and this was not following that dream. It wasn't until after I made the decision that I realised that God knew I would be given the offer, that I had already made the decision to be in YCW and so that this was a possibility. And whether He planted it in my heart to say yes and follow that path, which ironically since has led me even further off the path of social work than I imagined it would, or whether I moved the goal posts and God moved with me, I do not know. But I have not lived to regret the decision in anyway or doubt it. And God places many decisions in front of me in the hope I will make the right decision, but it is only through making the wrong decision that I learn and so God makes allowances for these also. Again, what a clever man!

Those without faith

It is wrong to say I feel sorry for those who don't have faith, as this is unfair. They may believe in something different to me. They may find strength in other things. But as someone who's faith is at the heart of my life and who has gone through challenges in life where my faith has brought me the strength I need to get through and where I have simply had to have faith and believe I will pull through, I struggle to know how people go through tough tough times in life without faith.
Many people who know me know of my depression and so turn to me for advice, not just with their own depression but those going through tough times in their life have used me as a pillar and source of strength and turned to me for help.
I always find it difficult when there are people who turn to me and do not have faith. I give advice, not because I think I have all the answers but based on my own experiences. This is the only way I feel I can help people. And when they do not have faith I find it hard to communicate how important it is to believe. It is not so easy to say, 'Find the Lord in your life and seek his help, spend time in prayer with Him and you will find the strength to carry on'.
My fqaith also dictates how I approach problems and challenges. I believe my life is in God's hands, he sends me challenges and mountains to climb as it is through these that I find my strength, embark on a journey where I learn so much about myself, my own strengths and weaknesses and learn new things about the world. Those who don't have faith curse God, 'how can you believe in a God when this happens to you or you lose someone you love or when there is so much evil in the world?' And they don't see these things as a challenge to us, they see it as punishment.
A perfect example of this was in Eastenders last week Dot, a woman of great faith and someone who many turn to for help and advice because of the strength she has through her faith (ironic isn't it? - people don't realise she gets that strength because of her faith, like me) was faced with a grief striken Jack, who had just found out the baby he had been bringing up wasn't his, his child died before he even met him and his wife had swapped babies with another couple but kept it all a secret and was now in prison. Dot tried to explain that this was a challenge God had given him, an opportunity to find his strength, yet he saw it as punishment. Now I can completely understand that for those without faith would find it impossible to see it this way, even I have times where I think why is God doing this to me. There are many things in the Catholic faith that I know many without that faith can't get their heads around (for example we believe a man rose from the dead and healed people, we must look like nutters). As I write this I realise I'm thinking a lot about those who don't have my faith, and as I said, people may have other forms of faith and beliefs, but those without belief in anything... this must be hard. I also understand and completely sympathise with Dot's frustration when trying to comfort Jack who just can't be consoled.
A challenge for those of faith, but I do not try to convert people. I open their eyes to it, offer the possibility of my faith, or a faith, but I do not force it upon people.

Music

Music is very much at the heart of my life.

I was brought up in music. My parents love musicals and that was very much passed onto me. I love watching to them, listening to them and very much performing them. Both parents were musical, my dad a great singer and actor and I grew up watching him in pantomime (ok not very musical but he sang in it!) and many musicals. My mum was a great musician, she could read and write music and played many instruments. Both were part of the music group in church. Me, my brother and my sister all had recorder lessons at a very young age so learnt to read music, then when we were 8 were given the opportunity to start learning an instrument. I chose the flute. I had lessons for 7/8 years and did 5 grades. I was part of orchestras and played every single sunday in the music group at mass for 8 years. Even when I stopped playing flute I continued to sing in the music group. My brother and sister also learnt instruments and played in the music group, we were like the von trapp family singers!
Not only did I love playing instruments but I loved listening to music and from a very young age I would have cds on in my bedroom and pretend to be in various bands, always the lead singer and perform in the mirror if you like! Often put on shows with neighbours to parents and just loved singing and dancing. I once wanted to persue a career in the west end as a dancer but I did not start young enough to do it professionally.
Then of course I started performing and nearly all the performances I have ever been part of have been musicals (I think Panto is the only non musical I've done and even that has a few songs!) and nearly all the shows I have ever seen have been musicals.
I also had singing lessons. I was a decent singer and was taking on more serious am dram where I was amongst some very very talented people and my mum wanted to boost my confidence. Those singing lessons were a god send and brought me great peace of mind and relaxation as well as teaching me a few things about singing!
I am not the 'typical' music enthuasiast as many would call musical people those who love playing their instruments (I gave mine up) and can't live without their instruments and who only listen to 'real' music with real musicians - as in bands who write and perform their own music, no machines. Also go to loads of gigs and festivals.
Music touches my life in a different way. For a start, many would say my taste can be appaling. I have a wide wide range of genres and artists on my ipod, I don't fit into a category at all. And a lot is cheesy pop. But I love it, I grew up in the 90s with S Club and Steps being my two greatest bands! And I can't be without music. I hate silence (I say that as I'm in the middle of my 24 hours of silence for Million Minutes - will post about that tomorrow) but silence used to be very scary to me as it would be when my deamons of depression really came alive and wouldn't go away. Music distracted me. So became a God send.
And as you must know through looking at this blog, lyrics mean everything to me. I find a lot of meaning in lyrics, something many would take the mick out of me for, but lyrics have a lot of meaning, thats why the song was written with those lyrics, to have a meaning. And I search for the meaining in lyrics and get great strength from them. And they are often my status on facebook and my tweets as I use them to express how I'm feeling and can often help me explain what's going on in my head - people also take the mick out of me for this.

So I really love music and couldnt imagine life without it:
'So I say thankyou for the music, for giving it to me'

My Genesis Continued

I missed some important faith milestones out in my last post called My Genesis so I will add them here.

My Confirmation - This was a very important milestone in my faith. At the time my depression was fairly new and I was quite unwell and was so very scared. I was very sure I wanted to make my confirmation as I was ready to take responsibility for my faith development, even if I wasn't sure how to. Unlike many in my group, I was excited about my confirmation and hopeful that it would really help me.
And I truely believed it did. First of all, my confirmation name is Mary. My initial reason for this choice was after my Grandma, who was such an important part of my life. But this was also where my great love for the Virgin Mary began and where she became my role model in faith.I didn't necessarily know all this at the time, it has developed but Mary showed great trust and faith in the Lord, to allow herself to give of herself fully and do God's will. This is a model I try to follow, an example I want to copy, something I strive for in life and pray for all the time. And this is part of the reason why Lourdes is such an important place for me. Also Mary is a huge influence in my life as I hope to be a great mother one day, being a mum is one of the greatest things I look forward to in life. And Mary as a mother is a perfect example for me to follow.
My confirmation was also a huge milestone as I truely believe that I was filled with the holy spirit that day. I have said in previous posts that I truely believe I wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for my faith and this is because I believe the holy spirit gives me that great strength and courage not to give up. I met a deacon in Lourdes who told me about how he believes in the importance of reflecting and looking back as that is when you see the Holy Spirit working and alive in your life. This is so true and I find myself blessed that I have the ability to look back and reflect as not only is it through this that I can see the Holy Spirit alive in my life, giving me increased faith in it, but I am able to learn, develop and grow.

Another huge milestone in my faith was my school retreat weekend to Soli House, a catholic youth retreat centre.
The weekend deepened my faith. But it also meant I was surrounded by people on the same journey as me and even those who aren't big with their faith were touched by the weekend. But I felt very much surrounded by like minded people. I was also inspired by the workers there and walked away from the weekend saying I want to do that one day. Ok, that's not exactly where I have ended up but that definitely set a spark for a passion to work in youth ministry, I was obviously just waiting for an opportunity to present itself. I think I also found my vocation to be a social worker around the same time and maybe the drive for that took over slightly and the retreat centre job became more a dream if I got a chance. Now I'm working in Catholic Youth Ministry, living the dream.

Who knows what miracles you can achieve, when you believe somehow you will

Many nights we've prayed
With no proof anyone could hear
In our hearts a hopeful song
We barely understood

Now we are not afraid
Although we know there's much to fear
We were moving mountains long
Before we knew we could

There can be miracles, when you believe
Though hope is frail, it's hard to kill
Who knows what miracles you can achieve
When you believe, somehow you will
You will when you believe

In this time of fear
When prayers so often prove in vain
Hope seems like the summer birds
Too swiftly flown away

Yet now I'm standing here
My heart's so full I can't explain
Seeking faith and speaking words
I never thought I'd say

There can be miracles, when you believe
Though hope is frail, it's hard to kill
Who knows what miracles you can achieve
When you believe, somehow you will
You will when you believe

They don't always happen when you ask
And it's easy to give in to your fears
But when you're blinded by your pain
Can't see your way straight throught the rain
A small but still resilient voice
Says hope is very near

There can be miracles
When you believe
Though hope is frail
It's hard to kill
Who knows what miracles,you can achieve
When you believe, somehow you will
somehow you will
You will when you believe